Real Grace

I’m finding it very beneficial to listen to the voice deep inside.  I refer to it as my “gut” but I believe it is the Holy Spirit.  It’s that “thought” or feeling that you just can’t get away from and you may not know exactly why you feel it but you do.  I hear it loudest when I am in a quiet place with God.

I’m learning some very valuable lessons about leadership.  I still have more to learn but listening to my gut and finding the courage to act upon it has to be one of the hardest as well as valuable I am learning right now.  It’s not easy especially when it seems to go against what others are seeing and feeling.  However, God has placed me in this position and I need to be true to His calling.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to share in detail what I have been through in the last couple of weeks but I will tell you it has been a very emotionally draining process.  I can feel it physically.  It’s not over yet but I believe that I will have learned a whole lot and I pray that God will help me to stay in a humble and teachable place.

I can’t believe how much time has gone by since my last post. I apologize. A lot has been happening. Nothing major but enough to pull my attention else where.

So, I have a couple of different ideas swirling around in my head to write about but I’m having difficulty deciding on which to choose. Both are topics which will make me very vulnerable to you. Funny how that works and I don’t know that I will ever see most of you who read this blog. Well, here goes…

For the past several months I have been battling the idea of calling my doctor to make an appt. for an annual checkup. My last one was about 6 years ago. I know, I was way over due. I’m getting closer to 40 years old and know that things can suddenly appear and happen to our bodies just because we’re getting older. I was really feeling like I needed to make this appt. So, several months ago I decided it was time to call. However, each time I decided, “Today is the day I will make the appt.”, I would find some excuse not to call. Now, I realize we all have some level of resistance to making doctors appointments but it was getting to the point that I was feeling great anxiety over it. I decided it was time to process all of this with my counselor.

We discovered that these feelings were most likely happening because of my now being so connected to my emotions. She saw this as a very good thing. Me, not so much. I kind of liked that I could disconnect in the past to these types of appointments. She suggested that I make an initial appt. with my doctor to discuss these feelings with her and to let her know what I’ve been through over the last few years. She felt the doctor would be understanding. She also told me to remember that I am in control and at anytime can ask the doctor to stop and we’ll try another time. That felt very reassuring to me.

So, two weeks later (yes, it still took me time to gather up the courage), I called and made the appt. My counselor was right, my doctor was very understanding and gentle with me. I cried through the whole appointment and all we did was talk but my doctor was not bothered by it at all and was very understanding. I felt a little more safe after that and we decided to make the appointment.

Four weeks later (my doctor is very busy, that was the earliest she could get me in) I returned for the annual checkup. Now, I have to stop and tell you that the closer it got to my appointment the more anxiety I still felt. This may sound crazy to some of you but I was having a hard time convincing myself that it was ok for the doctor to give me this checkup. I was imagining the whole thing feeling like the abuse. I just tried to stay in the here and now and not let my imagination get in the way. The day came and I arrived at her office. She was great! She talked to me throughout the entire checkup and kept asking me if I was doing ok. I was feeling a little anxious but I was ok. After it was done she turned to type some notes in her laptop and that’s when all the emotional release came. I bawled like a baby. She came over and hugged me and told me how courageous I was and that I did something very good for myself today. She advised me to be kind to myself for the rest of the day and to call my counselor if I felt I needed to.

When I returned home after the appt. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone right away. After a while, I called a good friend of mine and told her that I did it! She encouraged me and I told her that it really feels so good to have accomplished this. It wasn’t pleasant but it felt nothing like the abuse and I now have more courage to keep up with my annual checkups.

I really am glad that I did it. It’s such a sense of accomplishment not only that I did something good for myself but by doing this, I took away a level of power the abuse had over me and that feels amazing!

I’ve realized after looking back over my posts that I have not posted about one of the most amazing steps in my healing - restoration.  Last summer I began a part of my healing process that I had not experienced up until that point.  I began the process of restoring my relationship with my 13 month younger sister, Michelle.

Allow me to give you some background.  You may have already read my post where I share my story and mention that I have 4 siblings; 3 younger sisters and 1 older brother.  The sister closest to me in age is Michelle.  She and I shared a room together our entire lives at home.  You might think that would be a special thing but it really wasn’t.  The both of us were dealing with so much emotional trauma and were very angry and took that anger out on each other.  Unfortunately, it carried on into our adult lives and 6 years ago we went our separate ways and became estranged.

I was very angry at Michelle for choosing not to see me anymore.  I thought that was the meanest thing she could do to me.  I thought she was jealous of me.  I thought, “She needs to grow up and get her life together.”  Well, I discovered that was not the case at all.  I started counseling when we were still estranged from each other and when I began to see how much of an angry person I really was I also began to see that I misdirected that anger.  I discovered that most of my misdirected anger was directed at Michelle. By going through the REAL Grace for Women curriculum, I discovered that when we’ve been abused we most likely will abuse others.  When I began to fully explore this, my past history with Michelle began to make a lot more sense and I began to see where I needed to take responsibility for how I had mistreated and even verbally and emotionally abused her.  I know that a lot of the damage that was done when we were younger was because of the abuse in our home but I realized how wrong the behavior still was and needed to take responsibility for it now, as an adult as well as take responsibility for my actions towards her as an adult.

So, last summer I mailed her a letter explaining this as best as I could and one month later she responded with a card with her home phone number in it.  We met for lunch one day and began sharing with each other what we have been discovering about ourselves and how our childhood has affected us today.  How amazing it has been!  I feel like I have a wonderful new friend who understands most of what I have gone through and am going through today.

I thank God every day for my new relationship with my sister.  I truly believe this is how He intended family relationships to be and I intend to make sure that it stays this way.

This was the topic of our group meeting Tuesday night.  There is so much to this lesson that I won’t possibly be able to share it all but I will try to highlight.

First of all, the differences between physical and emotional abandonment were discussed.  The differences are similar to the differences between physical and emotional abuse.   The physical is easier to detect then the emotional but the damage on a persons heart is the same.

Another point brought out was the fact that we are all created with a deep desire to be connected to another human being.  The desire is so deep that even when it has been violated, the child will not and the adult may not end the relationship due to the fear of abandonment.  For me, this explains why I have had a hard time breaking away from my parents, even as an adult.  I realize I need to establish my own personal identity which needs to be based in Christ.

Setting boundaries was another point that hit home for me.  It seems that I have been working on this for about 3 years now with my parents and it all came together for me in one sentence: “One principle they (Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book “Boundaries”) make clear is that a person setting boundaries needs community, because a new way of relating seems “mean”, “unloving”, and very risky.”  That is exactly how it has felt for me.

Understanding that it has been the fear of abandonment that I’ve been struggling with in order to set and keep healthy boundaries, I now have a renewed motivation and strength.  I’m willing to “feel the pain of abandonment, grieve the loss and look to God and safe people to relate to” (quote from “My Journey Continues” by Open Hearts Ministry).

The next lesson is on betrayal.  I’ve looked at the homework and feel this is going to be another layer that will take some time to explore.

I know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I’ve had a terrible sinus cold so I’ve been doing just enough to take care of my kids and husband and then collapsing on the couch because of the sinus headache.

I was actually waiting to post till after our second meeting but because of a snow storm, we had to cancel.  So, if the weather cooperates, I will be posting about that next week.  I have been doing the homework and it has not been easy.  I’ll need to look over it again before Tuesday but this is really helping to take me deeper into my story.  It’s hard but it’s good because there is still some confusion in some areas for me and I’m really looking for clarity.  I find that the more clarity I have with my story the more I understand why I am the way I am today.  This clarity helps me to either accept myself or change if I can and still be healthy.  This clarity also helps me to set healthy boundaries in relationships and helps me not be so needy but to be more giving in relationships.   It’s funny because I could pretty much always see the selfishness I had in my marriage relationship but I had a hard time changing it.  I could change it for a while and sincerely do things for my husband out of complete selflessness but soon I would turn back to expecting something in return.  The emotional void, the neediness would win out and soon my husband was no longer meeting my needs enough and became the most insensitive person to me at the time.  Now, I see things so much clearer.  My husband couldn’t meet my needs if he was the most perfect husband in the world.  The voids I had in my heart were there long before I met him and had nothing to do with him.  Once I figured this out, things really started to change in my relationship with him.

I began to see clearly, his needs, and wanted and desired to meet them.  This was something new to me and it was wonderful.  At the same time, I couldn’t ignore the voids.  I had to mourn the loss of relationship and love those voids came from.  I had to stop ignoring that they were there and stop trying to brush them aside when they surfaced.  Now, I recognize them quite quickly and know what to do about them.  Yes, I still mourn some things.  Sometimes, there are even new voids that surface and I continue to go through the process of mourning them and moving on.  I can’t change the past and what I was deprived of as a child.  I’m learning to accept this and as I do, I gain clarity.

I’ve talked in the past about a ministry/organization we started for women. It’s called REAL Grace for Women. We use a workbook by Open Hearts Ministry called “The Journey Guide”. We started back in September with our first small group. This past January, two new facilitators started a second group. At the end of December we were notified by Open Hearts that they would have a continuation to the Journey Guide available to order in January. This workbook is called “My Journey Continues”.
So, we had our first meeting last night with the second workbook, “My Journey Continues”. We had to draw or have drawn our body outlines. I choose to actually lay on a big piece of paper and have one of the other participants outline me. That was not easy but I felt it was what I needed to do in order to connect to this project. We then took them and, as part of our homework, we need to fill out seven 3×5 index cards with various information like our birth date, our siblings with a brief history, our parents birth date and brief history, events that happened like moving or cultural events . Inside the body outline we are to share the traumas, abuses, boundary violations, and events that we feel shaped and influenced us as a child and on to adulthood. Yeah, I think this is going to take me longer then one week. But, I’m going to do it because I think it will help me to stop minimizing how things effect and impact me today. When I step back and look at my story, it’s easy to ask the question “Why?”. Why, after so many years, are these traumas, abuses, boundary violations, etc still impacting me? I believe that this exercise will help me to see just how much was placed on my as a child and then I can stop asking “Why?”.

I have had such an amazing week.  Not for any specific reason, really.  The weight I had been feeling for the past month has finally lifted.  I’m sure it has something to do with the choices I have been making recently regarding my parents.

My Counselor and I discussed, this week, how powerful the bond is between a parent and a child.  Not that it’s a new revelation or anything but going through this with my parents has really opened my eyes as to how much power parents have over their children and how much more important it is for parents to be responsible with this power.  It is a gift from God not to be misused or abused.  This past week, I’m finally feeling the release from the misuse and abuse of that power with my parents.  It kind of feels funny saying that at my age (older than 30):-) but it’s the truth. The bond between a parent and a child is something God designed to be a benefit for both the parent and the child.  I can truly say I am experiencing that with my children.  I’m not perfect by any stretch but I am learning from my past and because of that, am a better parent then my parents were.

I have one more visit scheduled with my Counselor in a couple of weeks to discuss another issue that has unveiled its self.  I’m not feeling comfortable sharing it here, yet.  I think it will be the last bump on this section of my path to healing.  I’m sure there will be more bumps along the way and for that I am very grateful to be able to have my supportive friends, family and Counselor to call upon if and when I need to.  All of that in addition to the most dearest friend in my life, Jesus, has been what has helped me through this season in my healing. I’m feeling so blessed and thankful today!

I decided to talk with my therapist today about how to or if I can have a healthy relationship with my parents. I began to articulate to her the feelings I have surrounding that. I told her that I have hoped, right from the start, that I would be able to have a healthy relationship however, I’m now beginning to feel that is not possible. Their responses to me are so unhealthy and that frustrates me. I want to be able to share with them why it’s difficult for me to see them or talk to them right now due to the layer that has been peeled back in my healing. I have tried sharing with them in the past and it has not helped. Their response has been to just want me to hurry up and get over it so we can stop talking about the past. Well, that’s not healthy for me right now. My Counselor helped me to see that they most likely respond this way because I, or this process, is forcing them to look at their own stuff and they don’t like that. They don’t want to have to do that so they want me to stop talking about it and just behave as I always have in the past - like it never happened.

I definitely have more processing to do on this issue but for today, I’m feeling content with not making any effort to connect with my parents.  I’m going to rest in that for a while.  I’m going to choose not to talk to them because for me to have a healthy dialog with them requires for them to have healthy responses and up to this point, that has not happened.  So I guess the answer to my question is - Not to talk!

I was reminded of a scripture verse from the bible this morning: Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Do you ever find yourself during this healing process caught up in the “emotions”?  I feel that is where I have been.  I’ve been so focused on making sure I don’t stuff the feelings only to have them surface and explode later on because that has been my pattern for 25+ years.  I’m afraid that I have not gone to God during this storm that I am currently in as often as I need to be.  My healing process is not always a storm, please don’t misunderstand me.  It is just where I am currently at.

I was reminded that thanksgiving is an important part of this verse because it speaks of trust and confidence.  That hit home because trust can still be a huge issue for me.  To thank God for doing something before I actually see it come to pass does speak of a level of trust I struggle with.  I do believe it’s a control thing.  I have a hard time feeling like He can really take care of things for me.  I feel more like I can probably do a better job or maybe it’s more that I need to be able to supervise to make sure it’s being done right.

What this verse says to me today is that I need to be able to put my whole trust in God and then I can experience the peace of God which goes beyond all human understanding.  This peace will cover me and protect my heart and mind.

I was talking with a friend last night and as we were talking I heard myself saying, “Emotions can lie”.  I woke up thinking about that this morning and thought I probably could have also said, “Emotions can distort our perception of reality”.  I realize God created emotions to be a healthy part of us but there is a place for them.  I cannot let them reside in the place of truth.  I fear this is also what I have been doing.

So, to sum up I choose today to cry out to God, thank Him for taking care of me, and walk in truth!

Well, it’s 12:20am and for some reason I cannot sleep. So I’ve decided to write about something that is heavily on my mind right now. It is something my counselor and I discussed on Tuesday.

We were discussing the dynamic between my parents and I and where I am at today. She gave me this visual that I would like to share with you. If you can picture her taking her right hand, holding it up in front of her and close to her. Then she took her left hand and held it up in front of her but out away from her body. She then said, “The right hand represents me and the left hand represents my parents. As far as reconciling this relationship I have and am doing my part and have moved forward. She then took her right hand and moved it half way into the gap between her two hands. She then said, “Your parents, however have not been doing their part and have not moved towards you, leaving this gap, therein lies resentment on your part.” I agreed. “Now it’s like you have a leash around them and are trying to pull them towards you but they still are not moving.” I agreed again. “So, now, you are trying to fill the gap yourself but what you need to realize is that there is no humanely way possible that you can do that.” To this I very humbly agreed. So, from that day on I have decided three things: 1. I will no longer be in resentment. 2. I will let go of the leash. 3. I will stop doing things that to try to fill the gap.

What amazing freedom I have been experiencing since I’ve made those decisions. I have to think about them everyday because it does not come natural to me yet but everyday I experience more freedom and it makes me not want to go back. I want to keep moving forward even though it seems like the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. It’s kind of like exercise for me. I really dislike exercising but I know if I keep my body moving it’s one of the healthiest things for it. It’s the same for the emotional part of me. There’s really no other option. I have 2 precious children depending on me. I will keep moving!