I’ve been feeling to write for several weeks but never had any one specific thing come to mind.  Things have been pretty good.  I’ve been busy with my family and friends.  I’m also getting ready to co-facilitate a small group for REAL Grace for Women.  We start this Wed., Jan 27th.  I’m really looking forward to that.  I’ll probably have lots more to write after we get started.  This group usually stirs things within my story and I know that’s a good thing.

One thing I have pretty heavy on my mind write now is the prospect of writing a book.  Yes, I know, it seems like everyone is writing a book these days.  That’s one of the reasons I feel like I am “dragging my feet” on getting started.  I don’t want it to be just another book.  I’m praying for direction and having a lot of conversations with my husband about it.  Did I mention it was his idea?  He’s so supportive.  Four years ago he suggested I try to start a small group for women.  That’s how REAL Grace was born.  So, I am giving some close attention to this book idea.  We’ll see what happens.

Well, I hope you are all well!  Til next time…

When I first began dealing with the wounds of abuse I was able to see pretty quickly how I find my self worth and value in what I did, not in who I am.  That’s why I’ve needed so much validation.  When I don’t receive validation, in my world, that’s interpreted as I’m not doing a good job therefore I am not very smart because if I were smart I could figure out how to do a good job and people would have to take notice and then they would naturally tell me that they notice. This way of thinking is exhausting and it certainly doesn’t lead to true joy and happiness.

I’ve been thinking on a verse in the Bible; Isaiah 49:15 & 16; “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands…”.  There are two things about this verse I want to highlight.  First, the answer to the question is “yes”; a mother can forget the baby.  We don’t see the word “yes” but it is certainly inferred by the next phrase “though she may forget”.  God knows people are going to fail us.  That’s why it is so important for me not to look to other people to validate my self worth and value.  The second thing is the word “engrave” in the original Hebrew means “to cut in or on”.  When I stop and think that God has cut me into his hands it’s a little difficult to wrap my brain around.  He thinks I’m worth cutting into His hands…WOW!  This is not the first time I’ve read this or heard this concept but I’m certainly hearing it differently today. He needs to be the focus of my value and self worth.  It is simply because He made me and everything/everyone He makes is valuable!

I just have to share one more thing.  The major break through came when my husband and I were sitting on the couch.  He was sitting on one end and I was sitting on the other.  He read what I had written about how I was feeling and kept reminding me of how none of that is truth.  He feels exactly the opposite of what I had written; he has not lost interest in me and he does not feel like I am too much.  I was having a hard time believing him.  See, if his actions in any way did not say to me that he is interested then I couldn’t believe what he was saying.  I was basing truth solely on his performance.  The problem with that is that I can misinterpret his actions.  Sure, he usually comes home and gives me a hug and a kiss but if there is a day when he doesn’t do that, I immediately think it’s because of something I did.  It doesn’t usually enter my mind that it could very well be because he has had a stressful day and just needs some time to unwind.  Anyway, getting back to the conversation on the couch; I was feeling so unworthy of his understanding and love that I actually moved further away from him.  There wasn’t much space to begin with between me and the arm of the couch but I managed to find it and occupy it.  He noticed.  He said to me,  “You don’t believe me do you?”  “You don’t believe that I feel the opposite of what you’ve written?”  “I can tell because you just moved further away from me”.  I couldn’t believe he noticed.  I barely noticed but when he said it, it hit me with so much force and I began to weep.  He said to me, “You need to fight through this.  You need to fight for yourself.  I’m right here, come and get what you need.”  I wept even more.  He was absolutely correct.  I had a really hard time moving toward him but it was exactly what I needed to do.  I needed to push through the lies I was believing.  I was finally able to move next to him and rest my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.  I actually felt a little silly at first, even a little uncomfortable.  I was thinking it’s silly for me to need this but the longer I stayed there the better it felt.  I felt myself relax and receive the love my husband was offering me not because of anything I was doing but just because.

The root of the wound caused by being loved as a child based on my performance has been exposed even more.  It’s been difficult but I’m so glad that God continues to expose these wounds and He certainly is faithful to bring healing and restoration!

I’ve decided I’m going to attempt to talk with my husband tonight.  I’m very nervous.  I’ve written out some things to try and label how I’m feeling and I don’t think he’s going to like what I’ve written.  So much of it, to me anyway, seems so selfish.  I keep asking myself why it seems I can’t focus on the positive.  I’m not sure that is really the issue but I’m open to explore it.  It’s so hard for me to understand guys and how they operate in relationships.  It seems to me they operate so very different from us women yet somehow it’s suppose to work?  I don’t know that I really understand it.

I just know that I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  I don’t feel happy or joyful and I feel like I’m wasting time.  Well, there’s definitely one thing this post has helped me with…motivation to take action.  Do whatever I need to do to bring back the joy.  I know, with God’s help, I can do it!

This month started off with a last minute trip to visit my family in NH.  I decided to take the long holiday weekend and drive up.  I had just been through some very emotional situations leading up to that weekend with training for REAL Grace groups and the passing of my mother in law.  Surprisingly, I felt that I really needed to spend time with my family.  To be more specific, I felt like I really needed my family.  This feeling was entirely new to me.  The dysfunction I experienced in my family growing up taught me to be very self sufficient. I began taking care of myself from a very young age; not so much physically but definitely emotionally.  Taking things into my own hands at a very young age certainly came with it’s down side because realistically, how much capability does a 7 year old have?  I have never felt like I truly “needed” anyone in my family.  I’ve wanted healthy relationships with each of my family members but even in that saw only what I could offer them.  The driving force for this visit was that I needed my family.  I needed to hang out with them, to laugh with them, and to cry with them.  I had no idea if this was actually possible.  This has never been the normal function of my family.  I had never looked to them for emotional support.  Somewhere, somehow, I felt it was time to do that.  I was scared to death.  I was afraid of being let down…again.  It’s what I feel I have experienced all my life with my family; deep disappointment and that I am a deep disappointment.  Something was definitely “pushing” me to move forward though and take this trip.

So, the kids and I ventured off together.  My husband was on a business trip and couldn’t join us.  We arrived in NH and I experienced many things over the next few days but there is one thing in particular that I absolutely have to share.  I knew and was even looking forward to seeing my parents on this trip.  I believe I have written in previous posts that I have been having some good conversations with them about the abuse and the damage that occurred growing up and was receiving some healthy responses from them.  While I knew I really wanted to see them I was not sure that I would want to give my father a hug.  That was still a major issue for me.  In the days leading up to the trip I went back and forth as to whether or not I would be able to.  I left it up in the air.  I’ve been learning to give myself a break and to stop holding myself to such high and unrealistic expectations.

The day came and the plan was to meet my sister and then go over to my parents house to pick up her daughters.  We arrived and my kids and her kids immediately were off playing and chatting together.  My mom came over and gave my sister and I a hug.  Dad hugged my sister and then stepped back and casually joined the conversation with my mother and I.  He never motioned for me to give me a hug.  He did nothing.  It was wonderful!  He finally respected my boundaries and gave me the choice.  I did notice it right away and processed whether or not I wanted to give him a hug.  At that moment, I did not feel the need to so I didn’t.  It was wonderful to be able to make the choice for myself.

The conversation continued with just the four of us. After a few moments my father looked at me and asked, “Are you alright?”  That’s all he had to say, I completely broke down and started crying.  I still tend to “stuff” my emotions and I had been feeling so sad about my mother in law but I didn’t want to be the one to drag everyone down.  When he asked that question, it opened the flood gates.  I started sharing how I was feeling with them.  At one point my mom asked me, “What can we do to help you?”  Again, I was blown away.  I couldn’t believe how she and dad had reached out to me.  I said, “I just need hugs and laughter.”  She walked towards me and said, “I think we can do that.”  Then she gave me a big hug.  My father was standing to the right of me.  He put out his hand and I could tell he wasn’t sure what to do.  He wanted to touch me, to reach out and console me, but he wasn’t sure if he should.  Well, I grabbed his hand because, again, I saw how he was really trying to respect my boundaries and yet let me know that he cares.  When I was done hugging mom I turned to dad and we hugged and cried for the next several moments.  I couldn’t believe it.  All that anxiety I usually feel when I hug him or any other man was gone.  It was so amazingly healing for me.  I still get very emotional when I talk about it.  This was huge!  I can now hug my brother, my brothers in law and most other men without feeling the anxiety.  I feel so free!  I have to say that I don’t feel to hug every man I meet but it’s not because I feel that anxiety.  I just don’t feel like I have to hug them and that feels great!  I spent time with my parents again a couple of days later hanging out at my brothers house.  It was the most relaxed I have ever been around them.  I completely felt free to be me!

I’ve had some time to reflect and I know that it could only have been God prompting me to take that trip.  There is no way I would have had the courage to take the risk and make myself vulnerable to my family like that.  I’m too connected to the pain of the past now.  The fear of feeling that pain again would have normally paralyzed me and I would have chosen to not give my family the opportunity to reach out to me.  In the past, giving my family that opportunity would have seemed futile and ridiculous.   Today, I am so thankful I took the risk.  I had many conversations with God the days leading up to the trip and even while I was there.  I knew I had to let Him have control.  That was not easy for me.  I’m still learning to trust God as well as people.  This trip was a huge step forward in learning to trust.  There’s still more healing to come within my own heart and within my relationship with my parents but I do feel some much needed progress has been made.

Over the last 5 years I have been doing some intense soul searching as well as God searching.  I never stopped believing in God but I was having a hard time trusting Him and understanding who He really is.  I began to pray specifically about this and let me tell you not once did I feel God’s “wrath” or anger come down on me like I half expected it would.  I discovered He is not surprised by my emotions and my humanness.  He loves me and wants to bring me understanding.  I found that it is ok for me to ask questions, even questions like, “Who are you God?”  I also began talking with others and reading, along with the Bible, some really good books.  One of those books was “The Shack”.  I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding this book but I have to tell you, I grew up understanding God to be nothing more then a judge ready to pour out His anger on me whenever I messed up.  The Shack helped me to really identify with the grace of God.

So, today, after I think back over everything I have learned about who God is, His character, I feel that it would go against His character to stop abuse or any other kind of evil in this world today.  Why?  Because of the very reason He created us in the first place.   God wanted to love someone and someone to love Him simply because of relationship not because of rules and laws.  So, He created us with a free will.  If He begins to interfere with free will, it will change our relationship with Him.  How, you might ask?  Well, I relate it to my relationship with my children.  I believe my relationship with my children is one relationship that is a mirror of my relationship with God.  I could easily demand my kids to love me and do things for me and in return keep all evil from them.  Of course, I’m not God so the only way I could keep evil from them is to keep them in the house all the time with no TV, no computer, don’t let them walk around especially up and down stairs because they might fall and experience pain, etc., etc.  All of that does not sound like freedom to me; freedom for me or for my children.  That’s the absolute beauty of my relationship with God…FREEDOM!

So, again, I need to answer this question putting the proper perspective on abuse.  Abuse is evil and God has nothing to do with it.  He has everything to do with my healing from it!

Many have said to me that they feel God has allowed their abuse to happen and each and every time I heard it I would get this knot in my stomach.  I have to say I do not feel like that is truth.  How can God have anything to do with something He absolutely hates. I’d like to quote a few paragraphs from “The Journey” guide.  This is the book we use in our small groups.  It reads, “When you were a child, you thought and understood as a child, but now you are an adult and need to look at the offense as Jesus does.  (I Corinthians 13:11)  You must come to the place where you agree with God.  The one who harmed you has committed an offense worthy of hell. This is clear from Leviticus (in the Bible), chapters 18 though 20 where every kind of abuse was mentioned.”  Did you know abuse was mentioned in the Bible?  I’ve been raised in the church and didn’t realize until 5 years ago that God speaks specifically about abuse.  The book goes on to say, “Moreover, in Leviticus 20:4, He (God) speaks of the abomination of sacrificing a child to Satan and says He will set His face against any man, and his family, who turn their face and won’t look at it and won’t put the offender to death.  So not only the offender, but those who excuse the offense are guilty.”  Some pretty harsh words for the sin of abuse and those who perpetrate it.

I’d like to quote one more paragraph from the book because I feel it is very powerful.  “Is it all right, even godly, to be angry about the harm done to you?  Yes, you must agree with God.  Until anger is acknowledged, you will be lukewarm over this sin.  Perhaps you have never allowed yourself to feel the rage over your harm.  Certain abuses are criminal acts and are punishable by law.  Few abusers go to jail because the deed is held in silence by the one who was harmed and others who minimize its damaging effect.”

So now I’m starting to feel like I want to proclaim, “Death to all perpetrators!”  However,  what I think I’m realizing is that God’s justice will prevail over perpetrators and I have to trust Him so that I don’t take justice into my own hands.  II Peter 3:7-9 says that God is withholding judgment because He longs for all to come to repentance.  So I have to trust in His timing, not my own, for justice to play out for my abuse.  I do feel it is absolutely necessary for me to get angry over the abuse.  If I do not, then I become tolerant of abuse and I am no better then those who perpetrate it.

So, if He didn’t allow the abuse why didn’t He stop it? I will write more on that tomorrow.

So, now that I’ve had time to “process” this is what I have concluded is the reason for my intense reaction to those words.  I first looked honestly at what abuse is.  Abuse is sin.  It destroys, murders if you will, the innocence of a child and can emotionally cripple a person for life.  Abuse is evil.  It is birthed out of selfish desire and carried out with absolutely no regard for it’s victim. I then asked myself, “Am I required to thank God for this?”.  My answer is, “I am not required to thank God for abuse no more then I’m required to thank God for murder, theft, deceit or lying, betrayal of trust or any other act of sin committed against me.

So, what do I do with this statement?  I place it up against the Word of God.  His Word reminds me that He has no part in evil, He does not delight in sin, He can not dwell where sin is.  His Word reminds me that He had nothing to do with my abuse.  His Word reminds me that He has everything to do with my healing, He is my healing!  It’s in my healing I find thankfulness and contentment.  It is in my healing that He shows me the truth of who I am.  Abuse carries with it messages that tell me lies about myself and who I am.  God’s Word tells me the truth about who I am through Christ, that He knew me before I was formed in my mothers womb, that I am beautiful and have worth that can not be measured because I am made in His image.

So, my conclusion is this; I thank God for my healing for that is what has made me who I am today! It is in the healing that I have found the strength and grace to forgive my abuser, where I continue to learn how to be gentle and kind to myself.  It is in the healing where I am learning how to receive God’s unconditional love towards me and love him back with full trust, no strings attached.  It is in the healing that I am learning to love others well.

I strongly believe I have an enemy who is seeking to destroy me.  One way he sought to destroy me was through abuse.  However, that is not what I focus on.  I focus on this, while abuse kills and destroys healing brings life and restoration.  Life and restoration, that is what I thank God for!

Let me back up just a little.  About 2 months ago I decided to start writing to them and try to articulate to them as best I could where I was at in this relationship and what I felt needed to be addressed.  They both sent me a letter this past week saying exactly what I needed to hear…they are open to discuss whatever I need to and want very much to help me heal from the past.  While I was on the phone with them tonight I was able to express some of the pain I’ve been dealing with these past 5 years and they both handled it so well.

I have to tell you, I feel a little numb right now.  I think I’m in a little bit of shock.  I really did not expect that I would ever get to this point with either of them.  I felt that they may be stuck in their ways of understanding and would find it difficult to move forward in new understanding.  Their letters this week told me otherwise and the phone conversation I just had with them confirmed that.  We are definitely on a new path of restoration and if feels incredible.  I’m so excited for what the future holds for my relationship with them. I will definitely keep you posted!  Woohoo!

I was able to truly worship God this weekend in the trust that is building in my relationship with him.  In years past I was filled with too much fear to do this.  I would worship God, but on my terms.  Every day I’m feeling myself let go more and more and trust Him with my life.  It’s very freeing.

This weekend the kids and I honored my husband.  What a fantastic time that was!  Not only did we buy him some things he has been wanting but we spent both Saturday and Sunday doing whatever he wanted and making sure all of his needs were met before we did anything for ourselves.  My husband is not a demanding person at all so this was quite easy to carry out for me.  It was a little more difficult for the kids I think.  They didn’t mind doing things for dad but they didn’t like it when it cut into their video game playing time or something else they really wanted to do.  We had to have a few discussions with them about their attitudes and we’ll most likely be having a few more.  But, overall, it was a great weekend.  My husband is a fantastic father to our children and he does it without expecting anything in return but it was so nice to be able to show him that we notice!

I also had a huge blowout with another homeschool mom.  My heart is still very sad over the whole thing.  I’m questioning and doubting everything I said to this mom.  I’m hearing the voices and messages from the past like “I need to keep my mouth shut”…”I’m too bold”…”I’m too aggressive”…etc.  I really was trying to show my heart but it was not taken like that at all.  My biggest mistake was trying to communicate through email.  The translation or “spirit” behind my words was completely lost.  For that I am truly sad because damage has been done and I’m not sure that I will ever be able to restore with this person.  <Big Sigh>.  I guess I just need to chalk this experience up to one of learning and try to do better in the future.

What about you?  Do you still struggle with this?  I would love to hear how you are dealing with negative thoughts and messages about yourself and if it is something you struggle with.