Real Grace

Usually I write here about different feelings and epiphanies I have along my healing journey.  While I still am on that journey I still feel like I’m on a tranquil plateau.  So, while I’m here I decided to ask my husband about updating this blog site.  In our search for a new theme I came across this website; www.web2feel.com.  There is an amazing amount of free themes on this site and they are pretty amazing themes.  Now, I need to put a disclaimer here; I have not viewed all the themes so if there is anything inappropriate on their site I wash my hands of it.  I will say that I looked through 30 of the 68 pages of their free themes and did not find anything inappropriate.

So, how do you like the new look?

Yesterday and today were amazing!  My 6 year old daughter and 9 year old son have finally learned how to ride their bikes without their training wheels.  I didn’t know I could feel such pride in my children!

I have been fairly concerned since this summer began that my 9 year old son still could not ride his bike without the training wheels.  I did take him out a couple of times to try to teach him but was unsuccessful.  What motivated me to try again was a blog post I read where the mom started by saying, “I just finished teaching my son/daughter to ride their bike without the training wheels”.  I thought, “How do you just teach them?”  So, yesterday I decided we need to figure this out.  I started with my son and sure enough he started whining and complaining.  I told him to take a break and began working with my daughter.  I began holding the back of the seat for her and then tried running along side her as she peddled.  Well, that just about killed me and was limiting her speed.  So, we moved to the grass, I held on to her seat, took a few steps to get her balanced and then let go!  I couldn’t believe how much anxiety I felt as I watched her peddling and waited for the “crash”.  I knew she would have to learn how to catch herself but I wanted so badly to run and catch her.  However, I resisted and you know what?  She did it!  She peddled, she lost her balance, she started tipping and finally stopped but she was ok.  Within 30 to 40 minutes she was riding her bike all by herself!  She even ended up crashing once but got right back up and we decided to work on braking.   Today she was totally riding by herself and doing a great job.  My son finally found the courage watching his sister and, with a little coaxing from my husband, got up on his bike and did fantastic!

I’ve heard the analogy before about teaching a child to ride a bike and learning to let go with how that applies to so many areas of our lives but it really is something to experience it, especially since I can tend to be a control freak.  So, not only was this a great experience for my children in building their confidence but it was an amazing experience for me in letting go and not needing so much control.  Seeing them get scratches and bruises from loosing their balance on their bikes, yet getting back up on their bikes and riding some more was so rewarding.  I plan to tuck this experience in my heart and glean from it in the coming years (teenagers - oooo, can’t wait!).

I read a great blog post this morning.  Click here to read the entire post.  The author was writing about taking care of yourself before taking care of others.  It’s so true how we, especially those of us who have suffered abuse, find this incredibly selfish and have learned to completely ignore it.  This is one area where I have and am still learning the balance of this especially as I homeschool my children and stay at home with them.  I definitely can get caught up in taking care of everyone else’s needs and ignore my own.  Then I become not so pleasant to be around.  That’s my cue.  I immediately begin to take emotional inventory and decide to make some changes and take care of me.  Every time I do this my relationship with God and others get healthier.  That’s what it’s all about!

I just finished reading an article of an interview one year ago with Tony Snow, who recently passed away.  It was published by Christianity Today magazine. It is very powerful.  You can read the full interview here; but there is one paragraph I’d like to highlight.

He was speaking of how those dealing with a fatal disease “find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our mortality while trying to fathom God’s will.  Although it would be the height of presumption to declare with confidence What It All Means, Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.”  The paragraph I’d like to highlight follows:

“Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want lives of simple, predictable ease—smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see—but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our endurance and comprehension—and yet don’t. By his love and grace, we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and joy we would not experience otherwise.”

I love “God likes to go off-road”!  God loves surprises.  I’m finding that this is such a big part of my personality that’s just recently submerged since dealing with the wounds of my past.  I instantly connected with this paragraph and it shocked me a little because there is another side of me that very much likes the “smooth, easy, predictable trails”.  That’s very safe for me but the more I heal, the more “adventurous” side of me I see.  It’s always been there, I’m just finally starting to really appreciate it and feel the freedom in it.

My family and I are getting ready for a big move to Maryland.  We’ve been preparing now for 9 months.  Right from the start there has been this almost “school girl”, makes my heart leap kind of feeling about this move.  Like it is a great adventure and I’m not afraid to move forward in this direction.  However, there have been many times over the last 9 months that I’ve been anxious, frustrated, and stressed because I’m not in control of some of the details and things that need to fall into place before we can actually move.  I feel like I need to know more of the plan in order to plan.  However, in reality, I don’t.  God knows the plan.  I need to realize more of His love and grace in this situation and cling to that!

This has been a huge lesson in letting go of control.  I feel that is a theme throughout Tony Snow’s interview.  When you have a terminal illness, you’re not in control of it.  It is what it is.  I feel it would serve me well to realize that about this move to Maryland.  It is what it is.  I’m not in control and God is taking me off-road!

Wow, it really has been a long time since I’ve posted here.  My apologies.  It’s not that I haven’t thought about posting something because I have.  However, I have to say that I feel like I’m in a real “calm” right now which I feel is a good thing.  The work that goes along with healing can become overwhelming and I feel that it’s ok to not be working so hard all the time.  So, I guess that’s why I really haven’t felt the need to post something but I don’t want you all to feel like I’ve forgotten you either.

So, I thought I would write a little something about this weekend.  We got together with family for the holiday weekend and I have to tell you that I was ok.  My parents were there, at a gathering at my brothers.  I knew before hand that there was a possibility that they would be there and so I was able to prepare myself.  Although, I have to say, I really didn’t have to do much with regards to preparation.  I don’t feel like it consumed my every thought until the day came when I would see them.  The visit was really nice, my 2 sisters and their families with there.  My brother’s wife’s 2 adult kids came over for a while.  My brother has an inground pool so all the cousins had a blast!   The only time I felt anxious and not sure what to do is at the end, when my parents announced they were leaving.  This is always followed by a round of hugs from everyone to them.  I am definitely not there yet.  Everyone stood up and waited their turn.  When the action started getting closer to me, I decided it was time to start tiding up the tables.  I moved to the farthest point of the yard.  My parents said and waved goodbye to me and that was it.

It was truly amazing to me because, as you’ve read in past posts, I have had a real hard time feeling like I could be myself around them.  Feeling like I don’t need to put on a mask and try to be someone they will approve of.  Well, this Sunday, I didn’t feel that pressure at all and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  I truly am thankful for this new found confidence.  How freeing it is!

I had some thoughts this morning that I thought would be good to blog about.  I was thinking over a conversation I had yesterday with one of my sisters.  This morning, I began to think more on the topic of restoration and forgiveness as a result of that conversation.

In the past I have posted about forgiveness.  I discussed how I have learned that forgiveness is a process not a switch.  Yes, you need to decide to forgive.  This initial decision can look like you are flipping a switch because you are choosing action, you are choosing to move in a different direction in a situation.  However, what you are truly deciding is to begin the process of forgiveness.  So, what is the process of forgiveness?  This is what I am seeing play out in my life.

I have learned that the Bible is full of teachings on forgiveness and restoration but what I didn’t realize, until recently, is that humble repentance must first come from the offender in order for the process of forgiveness and restoration to be complete.  I do believe that in order for me to heal and be in healthy relationship with God and others, I need to choose to begin the process of forgiveness.  This means I choose to admit and commit to God that I forgive my parents.  By doing this, my relationship with God can move forward no matter what happens with the relationship with my parents.  One is not dependent on the other as it was in the past because when we are children, we see God through our parents eyes.

The next step in the process would be for the offender to offer true repentance.  If humble or true repentance is not offered and the victim gives the gift of forgiveness (yes, forgiveness is a gift)  to the offender anyway, it is cheap grace.  What does true repentance look like?  The offender will offer apology along with taking full responsibility for the damage that he or she has caused the victim.  A simple, “I’m sorry” is not true repentance.  An offender demanding forgiveness from the victim is also not true repentance.  There needs to be an expression of sorrow from the offender both for what they did, their behavior, and for the damage that behavior caused the victim.  The victim can then offer forgiveness and the door to restoration can be opened and walked through.  As they both walk through this door, there has to constantly be an understanding that this is a process.  There will be times when the victim may hear or see something that will trigger a memory or may trigger a feeling to a memory which will then send the victim down the road of anger and grief.  If true repentance has not been offered by the offender then he/she will not be able to extend grace to the victim during these times.  Grace that has not been extended, halts the restoration process.

So, what I’ve learned in regards to my father (you probably knew I was going to go here) is that I have offered him cheap grace in the past.  I accepted his “I’m sorry for what I did to you” as true repentance when in actuality it is not.  Now I understand why when I have times that memories surface and I feel angry and hurt, my father has not understood this and demanded me to forgive him.  He’s not walking in true repentance.

I’ve used the words “offender” and “victim” because I wanted to make a clear distinction between the two people involved in an offense but this principal I am talking about can be applied to any offense or conflict that happens between two people, not only in the realm of abuse.  However, in the realm of abuse, this process will seem a bit more complicated and take longer to walk through.  There is nothing black and white about exactly what this process should look like but I do feel that by applying these principals I am gaining more clarity all the time.  I can give myself permission to feel anger even if I’ve told my father “I forgive you” because it does not mean that I haven’t forgiven him like my father has indicated.

So, what do I do since true repentance has not been offered?  I begin the 3 steps to the process of forgiveness: 1. Feeling the anger and hurt.; 2. Grieving the loss of relationship and the loss of nurturing and guidance I didn’t receive as a child.; 3.  Walk in peace and acceptance for the way the relationship is - surface, not close.  I choose to begin the process of forgiveness which began for me with getting angry with my father and my mother for what they did and the damage they caused.  I then felt intense sorrow for not being able to have a close relationship with them and for the love and nurturing I did not receive as a little girl.  I am now entering the third step which is accepting the fact that in order to complete the process of forgiveness and restoration it takes all three of us.  My parents have steps they need to take just as I have.  If they choose not to take those steps, the relationship will remain a surface or shallow relationship.

Realizing this has given me such clarity and freedom.  I don’t have to guess whether or not it is “right” for me to want to spend time with them.   I take it one family function at a time.  If I’m going through something in my healing process that is currently taking me through the anger stage, then I most likely will not attend a family function.  If I’m feeling whole and not necessarily dealing with intense emotions, then I most likely will attend a family function.  To me, this is more then ok because I know that I am moving forward even if it looks to others like I am standing still.

So here is what I choose to keep in the forefront of my mind:  Forgiveness and restoration is a process that can only be completed when the offender has offered and chooses to walk in true repentance.

Since I last posted I have received another card from my mom. It basically said she is praying for me daily. I also saw her at my nieces birthday party this past Saturday. It was very interesting. I took a seat next to my sister-in-law and my mother was sitting across the table from us. The three of us actually had some nice conversation. My mom asked me questions about general things in my life. I could see her really trying to be there for me. I could see her struggle as well, only because I used to be where she is at. In any case, I felt and still feel really good about the whole visit. I did not feel, in any way, that I could not be myself. I was very relaxed. I did struggle some with my negative internal dialogue. The difference this time was I recognized it and found it fairly easy to change it right there on the spot. I feel it made a huge difference. My father was sitting at the same table next to my mother. He is usually the social one but he didn’t say two words the whole time. He looked like he was pouting and was not comfortable.  I’m guessing it was because I did not hug him when I arrived. But, I identified it right away and kept it in proper perspective. It saddens me to see him that way but it is his choice. There is nothing for me to take responsibility for regarding that.

So, I feel that another layer of control and power the abuse has had on me all the years has been torn off, not just peeled back. Writing and sending that letter was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I do feel it played a major part in the forward progress I see right now. Logically, I don’t quite see it. I would have never thought that I needed to articulate the hurt to my mother in order for me to experience another layer of healing but in my heart, I know it was the right thing for me to do. I feel another level of freedom and it feels great!

I received a card this week from my mother. I can only assume she received my letter so I was quite surprised when I received the card. It was a really nice card. It was so relevant. It did make me cry as I read it and I realized that my Mom has a really hard time articulating her feelings and this was her attempt at it. So, I decided to give her a call. I got her voicemail and left a message thanking her for the card and letting her know that I would love to sit down and chat with her. That was Monday or Tuesday of this past week. Today is Sunday and I have not received a return phone call yet.

I’m trying to be patient and not get angry. My first response tends to be if she knows our relationship needs work why isn’t she calling me. But, that would be a healthy response. I have to remember to accept things for what they are. If she calls me and is able to talk with me then that’s a bonus. Otherwise, the relationship stays the way it is. I didn’t send the letter to change the relationship. It was something I needed to do to deal with the anger. That has to remain my focus.

God is so faithful when I bring all of this too Him. He shows me my heart each and every time and helps me to keep it all in perspective. I’m so thankful for the emotional work I’ve been able to accomplish which has helped me to come to a place where I can hear His voice so much clearer. I know I would not be where I am today in my healing without Him! I praise Him for that today!

The letter to my mother is in the mail!  I still feel a level of relief.  I do wonder what response this might trigger from my mother but I feel I’m ready for this next step.  I’ve prayed so much about this and read this letter over so many times that I can almost recite it from memory.  This is not an easy step by any means.  No matter what the response I do feel it is a necessary step in my healing.

Some friends have disagreed or more accurately do not see the need for me to send this letter to my mother.  I get that.  I think unless they’ve walked exactly where I’ve walked, they can’t fully understand and know what each step of my healing should look like.  This letter completely articulates the pain I have suffered.  Unless this pain is acknowledged by my mother, healing can not take place in our relationship.  I feel this is the healthy step that is vital to our restoration.

There have been many friends who have been very supportive of my sending this letter.  They feel it is very powerful and may even cause a stirring in my mother.  As I said, no matter the result, I know that I need to do this.  It has been amazing to get this anger out and be able to put it into words and now be able to say, “Here Mom, this is what I’ve been trying to say to you for years.” Now, I’ll just wait to see what the future holds.

Wow! I just returned from my meeting with my counselor. I let her read the letter to my mother. She found it to be very powerful. She was very happy about me getting to this place of being able to articulate this anger. After discussing this with her I have decided I am going to send the letter. She was very good about letting me know how this was completely my decision and she supported me whether I sent it or not. I completely understand that. I just feel like this is a step I need to take. It helps me on so many levels. It helps me to stand up for myself and to voice those things that I was never able to before. I clearly see how this is not about my mother but it is about me. Sending this letter is a step in freeing myself of the judgment and shame I place on myself for feeling the way I do. That has to stop.

I’d like to share just a paragraph of the letter: “So, what exactly am I angry about? I’m angry I didn’t have a mom who protected me against a father who molested me, who supported a man who hit me in anger and continued to hit until he felt I “submitted”. I’m angry at not having a mom, who still to this day, cannot verify nor confirm my pain. A mom who continues to make excuses for my fathers abusive behaviour and her own abusive behaviour towards me. What really strikes this nerve and goes to the depth of this pain is when I hear comments from you that I was rebellious and was very stubborn and that is why I made the decisions I did when I was a teenager. Wow! Really? It hurts that you cannot see the connection between those choices and the abuse. Yes, I take full responsibility for actually making those choices. I do not take responsibility for the pain I was suffering which led me to make those choices. God created me with the desire to be “Daddy’s little girl, Daddy’s little princess”. He created me to feel special, to feel like no matter what happens, daddy is going to be there to protect me. That is a responsibility he gives to all fathers. I never had that. God created me with a desire to feel nurtured by you; again, to feel special, like I was more important then cleaning the house or talking on the phone. God created me with a desire to be protected by you. I expected you to step in when you felt Dad was spanking us too long and too hard. I expected you to step in when dad starting throwing punches at George. That was your job, Mom. I expected you not to ignore when you wondered where dad was at night if not in the bedroom or in the living room with you. Where were you Mom?”

I’ve decided I’m going to wait a week or two before sending it. After all, Mother’s Day is on Sunday and I do feel on some level it would be cruel to send it so close to Mother’s Day and her birthday. I have opted not to send a Mother’s Day card nor a birthday card. For me, it would be condoning a surface relationship and we don’t even have that. This was a very hard decision but one I felt I needed to make.

I am feeling so relieved right now. I am feeling more like the chains of the past are falling off of me. It feels great!