Real Grace

I just have to follow up on my post from yesterday.  I found the courage to talk to my husband last night.  I realize I head into these conversations with him, thinking that it’s not really about me.  Sure, I might have a few things I need to take responsibility for and need to change but for the most part it’s him who has to change.  Oh, how silly of me.  I’m seeing how I still tend to minimize the emotional wounds of abuse.  Last night, the conversation revealed how I have still been responding from one of those wounds - performance based love.

When I first began dealing with the wounds of abuse I was able to see pretty quickly how I find my self worth and value in what I did, not in who I am.  That’s why I’ve needed so much validation.  When I don’t receive validation, in my world, that’s interpreted as I’m not doing a good job therefore I am not very smart because if I were smart I could figure out how to do a good job and people would have to take notice and then they would naturally tell me that they notice. This way of thinking is exhausting and it certainly doesn’t lead to true joy and happiness.

I’ve been thinking on a verse in the Bible; Isaiah 49:15 & 16; “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands…”.  There are two things about this verse I want to highlight.  First, the answer to the question is “yes”; a mother can forget the baby.  We don’t see the word “yes” but it is certainly inferred by the next phrase “though she may forget”.  God knows people are going to fail us.  That’s why it is so important for me not to look to other people to validate my self worth and value.  The second thing is the word “engrave” in the original Hebrew means “to cut in or on”.  When I stop and think that God has cut me into his hands it’s a little difficult to wrap my brain around.  He thinks I’m worth cutting into His hands…WOW!  This is not the first time I’ve read this or heard this concept but I’m certainly hearing it differently today. He needs to be the focus of my value and self worth.  It is simply because He made me and everything/everyone He makes is valuable!

I just have to share one more thing.  The major break through came when my husband and I were sitting on the couch.  He was sitting on one end and I was sitting on the other.  He read what I had written about how I was feeling and kept reminding me of how none of that is truth.  He feels exactly the opposite of what I had written; he has not lost interest in me and he does not feel like I am too much.  I was having a hard time believing him.  See, if his actions in any way did not say to me that he is interested then I couldn’t believe what he was saying.  I was basing truth solely on his performance.  The problem with that is that I can misinterpret his actions.  Sure, he usually comes home and gives me a hug and a kiss but if there is a day when he doesn’t do that, I immediately think it’s because of something I did.  It doesn’t usually enter my mind that it could very well be because he has had a stressful day and just needs some time to unwind.  Anyway, getting back to the conversation on the couch; I was feeling so unworthy of his understanding and love that I actually moved further away from him.  There wasn’t much space to begin with between me and the arm of the couch but I managed to find it and occupy it.  He noticed.  He said to me,  “You don’t believe me do you?”  “You don’t believe that I feel the opposite of what you’ve written?”  “I can tell because you just moved further away from me”.  I couldn’t believe he noticed.  I barely noticed but when he said it, it hit me with so much force and I began to weep.  He said to me, “You need to fight through this.  You need to fight for yourself.  I’m right here, come and get what you need.”  I wept even more.  He was absolutely correct.  I had a really hard time moving toward him but it was exactly what I needed to do.  I needed to push through the lies I was believing.  I was finally able to move next to him and rest my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.  I actually felt a little silly at first, even a little uncomfortable.  I was thinking it’s silly for me to need this but the longer I stayed there the better it felt.  I felt myself relax and receive the love my husband was offering me not because of anything I was doing but just because.

The root of the wound caused by being loved as a child based on my performance has been exposed even more.  It’s been difficult but I’m so glad that God continues to expose these wounds and He certainly is faithful to bring healing and restoration!

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