Real Grace

I can’t believe I missed the whole month of May here.  Well, I guess when I think back on it, May was a somewhat difficult month.  It all worked out for good but it had some defined difficult moments.  At times, I was still working through the death of my brother in law who passed away the day before Easter.  At other times it was dealing with pain from the past that had surfaced.  Then there is the fact that I have decided to start writing my parents again, which is going fairly well.  I’m waiting for a response to my second letter to them.  I’m taking it one small step at a time and I really think it is going to help us communicate better.  I’m finding it is crucial to be able to communicate properly while I’m stepping through restoration.  Good communication has never been a part of my family of origin’s dynamic so we’ll see how it turns out.

I think the biggest thing I am struggling with right now is trust.  I’m finding that I am having a lot of conversation with myself when I am over someones home with my kids, especially if there is another man there.   It doesn’t seem to matter how long I have known these people either.  This pattern of behavior has definitely been a part of me for a very long time.  I just didn’t pay much attention to it.  Well, you know how that goes on this journey of healing.  Things we don’t pay much attention to have a way of making it to the surface.  The way they usually surface can be very disturbing, too.  This particular behavior for me made it’s way to the surface through a dream.  I’m not going to share the dream because it won’t really matter.  I believe the players in the dream were not the problem and could have been anyone.  The point of the dream was my lack of trust in people.

If I were to think back over the last 5 years I would say the majority of my healing has been focused on learning to truly trust God.  Now I believe the tide is turning and He is attempting to show me that through Him I can trust others.  Oooo, a chill just ran down my spine.  Trusting others is a very scary thought for me.  I learned from a very young age to be self sufficient; to protect myself.  My parents had built a wall around our family that was very high and very wide.  I knew from a very young age that no one from outside our family could penetrate it.  I decided that it was best not to sit around hoping that someone would break through the wall and so began behaving in a way that would prevent the pain from being felt so deeply and so intensely. That is how I have been behaving in relationships ever since.  The behavior has taken on various forms.  Those forms are destructive in my relationships.

If you are reading this and you think of me over the next few days or weeks, please remember to pray for me.  I feel this is a huge root of the abuse and I believe with my whole heart that it needs to be exposed and dealt with…but I’m scared.  Just being honest, here.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope I have helped you in some small way today.

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