Real Grace

I read a great blog post this morning.  Click here to read the entire post.  The author was writing about taking care of yourself before taking care of others.  It’s so true how we, especially those of us who have suffered abuse, find this incredibly selfish and have learned to completely ignore it.  This is one area where I have and am still learning the balance of this especially as I homeschool my children and stay at home with them.  I definitely can get caught up in taking care of everyone else’s needs and ignore my own.  Then I become not so pleasant to be around.  That’s my cue.  I immediately begin to take emotional inventory and decide to make some changes and take care of me.  Every time I do this my relationship with God and others get healthier.  That’s what it’s all about!

I just finished reading an article of an interview one year ago with Tony Snow, who recently passed away.  It was published by Christianity Today magazine. It is very powerful.  You can read the full interview here; but there is one paragraph I’d like to highlight.

He was speaking of how those dealing with a fatal disease “find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our mortality while trying to fathom God’s will.  Although it would be the height of presumption to declare with confidence What It All Means, Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.”  The paragraph I’d like to highlight follows:

“Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want lives of simple, predictable ease—smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see—but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our endurance and comprehension—and yet don’t. By his love and grace, we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and joy we would not experience otherwise.”

I love “God likes to go off-road”!  God loves surprises.  I’m finding that this is such a big part of my personality that’s just recently submerged since dealing with the wounds of my past.  I instantly connected with this paragraph and it shocked me a little because there is another side of me that very much likes the “smooth, easy, predictable trails”.  That’s very safe for me but the more I heal, the more “adventurous” side of me I see.  It’s always been there, I’m just finally starting to really appreciate it and feel the freedom in it.

My family and I are getting ready for a big move to Maryland.  We’ve been preparing now for 9 months.  Right from the start there has been this almost “school girl”, makes my heart leap kind of feeling about this move.  Like it is a great adventure and I’m not afraid to move forward in this direction.  However, there have been many times over the last 9 months that I’ve been anxious, frustrated, and stressed because I’m not in control of some of the details and things that need to fall into place before we can actually move.  I feel like I need to know more of the plan in order to plan.  However, in reality, I don’t.  God knows the plan.  I need to realize more of His love and grace in this situation and cling to that!

This has been a huge lesson in letting go of control.  I feel that is a theme throughout Tony Snow’s interview.  When you have a terminal illness, you’re not in control of it.  It is what it is.  I feel it would serve me well to realize that about this move to Maryland.  It is what it is.  I’m not in control and God is taking me off-road!

Wow, it really has been a long time since I’ve posted here.  My apologies.  It’s not that I haven’t thought about posting something because I have.  However, I have to say that I feel like I’m in a real “calm” right now which I feel is a good thing.  The work that goes along with healing can become overwhelming and I feel that it’s ok to not be working so hard all the time.  So, I guess that’s why I really haven’t felt the need to post something but I don’t want you all to feel like I’ve forgotten you either.

So, I thought I would write a little something about this weekend.  We got together with family for the holiday weekend and I have to tell you that I was ok.  My parents were there, at a gathering at my brothers.  I knew before hand that there was a possibility that they would be there and so I was able to prepare myself.  Although, I have to say, I really didn’t have to do much with regards to preparation.  I don’t feel like it consumed my every thought until the day came when I would see them.  The visit was really nice, my 2 sisters and their families with there.  My brother’s wife’s 2 adult kids came over for a while.  My brother has an inground pool so all the cousins had a blast!   The only time I felt anxious and not sure what to do is at the end, when my parents announced they were leaving.  This is always followed by a round of hugs from everyone to them.  I am definitely not there yet.  Everyone stood up and waited their turn.  When the action started getting closer to me, I decided it was time to start tiding up the tables.  I moved to the farthest point of the yard.  My parents said and waved goodbye to me and that was it.

It was truly amazing to me because, as you’ve read in past posts, I have had a real hard time feeling like I could be myself around them.  Feeling like I don’t need to put on a mask and try to be someone they will approve of.  Well, this Sunday, I didn’t feel that pressure at all and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  I truly am thankful for this new found confidence.  How freeing it is!