Real Grace

Since I last posted I have received another card from my mom. It basically said she is praying for me daily. I also saw her at my nieces birthday party this past Saturday. It was very interesting. I took a seat next to my sister-in-law and my mother was sitting across the table from us. The three of us actually had some nice conversation. My mom asked me questions about general things in my life. I could see her really trying to be there for me. I could see her struggle as well, only because I used to be where she is at. In any case, I felt and still feel really good about the whole visit. I did not feel, in any way, that I could not be myself. I was very relaxed. I did struggle some with my negative internal dialogue. The difference this time was I recognized it and found it fairly easy to change it right there on the spot. I feel it made a huge difference. My father was sitting at the same table next to my mother. He is usually the social one but he didn’t say two words the whole time. He looked like he was pouting and was not comfortable.  I’m guessing it was because I did not hug him when I arrived. But, I identified it right away and kept it in proper perspective. It saddens me to see him that way but it is his choice. There is nothing for me to take responsibility for regarding that.

So, I feel that another layer of control and power the abuse has had on me all the years has been torn off, not just peeled back. Writing and sending that letter was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I do feel it played a major part in the forward progress I see right now. Logically, I don’t quite see it. I would have never thought that I needed to articulate the hurt to my mother in order for me to experience another layer of healing but in my heart, I know it was the right thing for me to do. I feel another level of freedom and it feels great!