Real Grace

I had some thoughts this morning that I thought would be good to blog about.  I was thinking over a conversation I had yesterday with one of my sisters.  This morning, I began to think more on the topic of restoration and forgiveness as a result of that conversation.

In the past I have posted about forgiveness.  I discussed how I have learned that forgiveness is a process not a switch.  Yes, you need to decide to forgive.  This initial decision can look like you are flipping a switch because you are choosing action, you are choosing to move in a different direction in a situation.  However, what you are truly deciding is to begin the process of forgiveness.  So, what is the process of forgiveness?  This is what I am seeing play out in my life.

I have learned that the Bible is full of teachings on forgiveness and restoration but what I didn’t realize, until recently, is that humble repentance must first come from the offender in order for the process of forgiveness and restoration to be complete.  I do believe that in order for me to heal and be in healthy relationship with God and others, I need to choose to begin the process of forgiveness.  This means I choose to admit and commit to God that I forgive my parents.  By doing this, my relationship with God can move forward no matter what happens with the relationship with my parents.  One is not dependent on the other as it was in the past because when we are children, we see God through our parents eyes.

The next step in the process would be for the offender to offer true repentance.  If humble or true repentance is not offered and the victim gives the gift of forgiveness (yes, forgiveness is a gift)  to the offender anyway, it is cheap grace.  What does true repentance look like?  The offender will offer apology along with taking full responsibility for the damage that he or she has caused the victim.  A simple, “I’m sorry” is not true repentance.  An offender demanding forgiveness from the victim is also not true repentance.  There needs to be an expression of sorrow from the offender both for what they did, their behavior, and for the damage that behavior caused the victim.  The victim can then offer forgiveness and the door to restoration can be opened and walked through.  As they both walk through this door, there has to constantly be an understanding that this is a process.  There will be times when the victim may hear or see something that will trigger a memory or may trigger a feeling to a memory which will then send the victim down the road of anger and grief.  If true repentance has not been offered by the offender then he/she will not be able to extend grace to the victim during these times.  Grace that has not been extended, halts the restoration process.

So, what I’ve learned in regards to my father (you probably knew I was going to go here) is that I have offered him cheap grace in the past.  I accepted his “I’m sorry for what I did to you” as true repentance when in actuality it is not.  Now I understand why when I have times that memories surface and I feel angry and hurt, my father has not understood this and demanded me to forgive him.  He’s not walking in true repentance.

I’ve used the words “offender” and “victim” because I wanted to make a clear distinction between the two people involved in an offense but this principal I am talking about can be applied to any offense or conflict that happens between two people, not only in the realm of abuse.  However, in the realm of abuse, this process will seem a bit more complicated and take longer to walk through.  There is nothing black and white about exactly what this process should look like but I do feel that by applying these principals I am gaining more clarity all the time.  I can give myself permission to feel anger even if I’ve told my father “I forgive you” because it does not mean that I haven’t forgiven him like my father has indicated.

So, what do I do since true repentance has not been offered?  I begin the 3 steps to the process of forgiveness: 1. Feeling the anger and hurt.; 2. Grieving the loss of relationship and the loss of nurturing and guidance I didn’t receive as a child.; 3.  Walk in peace and acceptance for the way the relationship is - surface, not close.  I choose to begin the process of forgiveness which began for me with getting angry with my father and my mother for what they did and the damage they caused.  I then felt intense sorrow for not being able to have a close relationship with them and for the love and nurturing I did not receive as a little girl.  I am now entering the third step which is accepting the fact that in order to complete the process of forgiveness and restoration it takes all three of us.  My parents have steps they need to take just as I have.  If they choose not to take those steps, the relationship will remain a surface or shallow relationship.

Realizing this has given me such clarity and freedom.  I don’t have to guess whether or not it is “right” for me to want to spend time with them.   I take it one family function at a time.  If I’m going through something in my healing process that is currently taking me through the anger stage, then I most likely will not attend a family function.  If I’m feeling whole and not necessarily dealing with intense emotions, then I most likely will attend a family function.  To me, this is more then ok because I know that I am moving forward even if it looks to others like I am standing still.

So here is what I choose to keep in the forefront of my mind:  Forgiveness and restoration is a process that can only be completed when the offender has offered and chooses to walk in true repentance.

Since I last posted I have received another card from my mom. It basically said she is praying for me daily. I also saw her at my nieces birthday party this past Saturday. It was very interesting. I took a seat next to my sister-in-law and my mother was sitting across the table from us. The three of us actually had some nice conversation. My mom asked me questions about general things in my life. I could see her really trying to be there for me. I could see her struggle as well, only because I used to be where she is at. In any case, I felt and still feel really good about the whole visit. I did not feel, in any way, that I could not be myself. I was very relaxed. I did struggle some with my negative internal dialogue. The difference this time was I recognized it and found it fairly easy to change it right there on the spot. I feel it made a huge difference. My father was sitting at the same table next to my mother. He is usually the social one but he didn’t say two words the whole time. He looked like he was pouting and was not comfortable.  I’m guessing it was because I did not hug him when I arrived. But, I identified it right away and kept it in proper perspective. It saddens me to see him that way but it is his choice. There is nothing for me to take responsibility for regarding that.

So, I feel that another layer of control and power the abuse has had on me all the years has been torn off, not just peeled back. Writing and sending that letter was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I do feel it played a major part in the forward progress I see right now. Logically, I don’t quite see it. I would have never thought that I needed to articulate the hurt to my mother in order for me to experience another layer of healing but in my heart, I know it was the right thing for me to do. I feel another level of freedom and it feels great!

I received a card this week from my mother. I can only assume she received my letter so I was quite surprised when I received the card. It was a really nice card. It was so relevant. It did make me cry as I read it and I realized that my Mom has a really hard time articulating her feelings and this was her attempt at it. So, I decided to give her a call. I got her voicemail and left a message thanking her for the card and letting her know that I would love to sit down and chat with her. That was Monday or Tuesday of this past week. Today is Sunday and I have not received a return phone call yet.

I’m trying to be patient and not get angry. My first response tends to be if she knows our relationship needs work why isn’t she calling me. But, that would be a healthy response. I have to remember to accept things for what they are. If she calls me and is able to talk with me then that’s a bonus. Otherwise, the relationship stays the way it is. I didn’t send the letter to change the relationship. It was something I needed to do to deal with the anger. That has to remain my focus.

God is so faithful when I bring all of this too Him. He shows me my heart each and every time and helps me to keep it all in perspective. I’m so thankful for the emotional work I’ve been able to accomplish which has helped me to come to a place where I can hear His voice so much clearer. I know I would not be where I am today in my healing without Him! I praise Him for that today!