Real Grace

The letter to my mother is in the mail!  I still feel a level of relief.  I do wonder what response this might trigger from my mother but I feel I’m ready for this next step.  I’ve prayed so much about this and read this letter over so many times that I can almost recite it from memory.  This is not an easy step by any means.  No matter what the response I do feel it is a necessary step in my healing.

Some friends have disagreed or more accurately do not see the need for me to send this letter to my mother.  I get that.  I think unless they’ve walked exactly where I’ve walked, they can’t fully understand and know what each step of my healing should look like.  This letter completely articulates the pain I have suffered.  Unless this pain is acknowledged by my mother, healing can not take place in our relationship.  I feel this is the healthy step that is vital to our restoration.

There have been many friends who have been very supportive of my sending this letter.  They feel it is very powerful and may even cause a stirring in my mother.  As I said, no matter the result, I know that I need to do this.  It has been amazing to get this anger out and be able to put it into words and now be able to say, “Here Mom, this is what I’ve been trying to say to you for years.” Now, I’ll just wait to see what the future holds.

Wow! I just returned from my meeting with my counselor. I let her read the letter to my mother. She found it to be very powerful. She was very happy about me getting to this place of being able to articulate this anger. After discussing this with her I have decided I am going to send the letter. She was very good about letting me know how this was completely my decision and she supported me whether I sent it or not. I completely understand that. I just feel like this is a step I need to take. It helps me on so many levels. It helps me to stand up for myself and to voice those things that I was never able to before. I clearly see how this is not about my mother but it is about me. Sending this letter is a step in freeing myself of the judgment and shame I place on myself for feeling the way I do. That has to stop.

I’d like to share just a paragraph of the letter: “So, what exactly am I angry about? I’m angry I didn’t have a mom who protected me against a father who molested me, who supported a man who hit me in anger and continued to hit until he felt I “submitted”. I’m angry at not having a mom, who still to this day, cannot verify nor confirm my pain. A mom who continues to make excuses for my fathers abusive behaviour and her own abusive behaviour towards me. What really strikes this nerve and goes to the depth of this pain is when I hear comments from you that I was rebellious and was very stubborn and that is why I made the decisions I did when I was a teenager. Wow! Really? It hurts that you cannot see the connection between those choices and the abuse. Yes, I take full responsibility for actually making those choices. I do not take responsibility for the pain I was suffering which led me to make those choices. God created me with the desire to be “Daddy’s little girl, Daddy’s little princess”. He created me to feel special, to feel like no matter what happens, daddy is going to be there to protect me. That is a responsibility he gives to all fathers. I never had that. God created me with a desire to feel nurtured by you; again, to feel special, like I was more important then cleaning the house or talking on the phone. God created me with a desire to be protected by you. I expected you to step in when you felt Dad was spanking us too long and too hard. I expected you to step in when dad starting throwing punches at George. That was your job, Mom. I expected you not to ignore when you wondered where dad was at night if not in the bedroom or in the living room with you. Where were you Mom?”

I’ve decided I’m going to wait a week or two before sending it. After all, Mother’s Day is on Sunday and I do feel on some level it would be cruel to send it so close to Mother’s Day and her birthday. I have opted not to send a Mother’s Day card nor a birthday card. For me, it would be condoning a surface relationship and we don’t even have that. This was a very hard decision but one I felt I needed to make.

I am feeling so relieved right now. I am feeling more like the chains of the past are falling off of me. It feels great!

So, this afternoon I go to meet with my counselor about the letter to my mother.  I’m hoping to gain more clarity on the whole thing.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot since I made the appointment and I think what I wish to feel the most is release.  I want to no longer feel tied to the strong emotions and hurt feelings of the abuse.  I still want to feel them, just not feel tied down by them.  Does that make sense?  Well, hopefully, after this afternoon, I will be able to articulate things better.  Until then…