Real Grace

So, I’ve begun writing the letter to my mother.  I’m still not sure if I will send it.  However, it has proven to be a very positive experience for me to write it.  I began writing the letter and it amazed me at how I was able to articulate what it is that I am angry about.  In same ways it sounds like a teenager to me but that’s probably where I am stuck emotionally in my relationship with my mother.  I certainly want to grow past that so I guess I’ll keep writing.

I don’t know that it’s appropriate for me to share the letter here right now.  I feel it’s too early.  This is exposing a very deep place in my heart.  I’m thankful for this exposure but at the same time apprehensive.  I’m thankful because there are still times, too often in my opinion, that I get angry and frustrated with my husband and my children.  I still feel that I’m not fully in control of my anger; like there is something else fueling it.  I feel the fuel just might be this anger with my mother.

Sometimes I wish there was a manual for all of this so you would know exactly what the next step would be to take.  It’s frustrating to me that I can’t see clearly what to do next with my parents and until I do, I choose to do nothing.  I don’t know if that is right either but I don’t know what else to do and I don’t want to spend all of my time and energy trying to figure it out which is how I feel right now.  I want to enjoy my husband and my children and my friends.  So, I’ll continue to work on the letter and see what else may come out.  Maybe that will be enough.