Real Grace

I’ve discovered today that I am still angry at my parents! Probably not a big surprise to those of you who read this blog but I have to say I was a bit caught off guard at the discovery. I believe I still struggle with the “switch” syndrome. What I mean is I have a revelation or gain some insight in an area during my healing process and then I “flip the switch” and that’s it. I’ve arrived on the other side.  I realize I have spoken quite plainly in past posts about healing being a process and it’s about peeling back the layers. I do believe that but, sometimes, I get stuck in old patterns of thinking and feeling.

So, why am I still angry? I don’t really know. I received a card in the mail this week from my mother. Just a “Thinking about you” kind of card. She didn’t really write a whole lot in the card, just that she hopes we are all doing well. I have to tell you I felt nothing, nada, zilch! I tried not to think much about it until I was reading another blog this morning. I related to this person’s story so well. That’s when it hit me. I didn’t feel anything from the card because I am still angry and I still have expectations of a healthy relationship with them so not only am I angry but also still resentfull.  I can’t be satisfied with a “surface” relationship.  I hate that.  I want to be ok with that but….I’m not.  I am striving to get there.  I’m finding it difficult and that’s another reason why I have the boundaries I do…letters or cards only.  If I were to try to have even a surface relationship with them right now I am pretty sure it would affect my moving forward in my healing.  I would start concentrating on how to best meet their needs and how to appropriately act and respond and have to let things “roll” off my back that I know I would have a hard time doing right now.  So, I move forward in my healing without even a surface relationship with my parents.

I’ve decided I am going to write a letter to my mom from my heart.  I don’t know right now if I will send it but I feel I need to write it.  I’ll let you know what happens…stay tuned!