Real Grace

I can’t believe how much time has gone by since my last post. I apologize. A lot has been happening. Nothing major but enough to pull my attention else where.

So, I have a couple of different ideas swirling around in my head to write about but I’m having difficulty deciding on which to choose. Both are topics which will make me very vulnerable to you. Funny how that works and I don’t know that I will ever see most of you who read this blog. Well, here goes…

For the past several months I have been battling the idea of calling my doctor to make an appt. for an annual checkup. My last one was about 6 years ago. I know, I was way over due. I’m getting closer to 40 years old and know that things can suddenly appear and happen to our bodies just because we’re getting older. I was really feeling like I needed to make this appt. So, several months ago I decided it was time to call. However, each time I decided, “Today is the day I will make the appt.”, I would find some excuse not to call. Now, I realize we all have some level of resistance to making doctors appointments but it was getting to the point that I was feeling great anxiety over it. I decided it was time to process all of this with my counselor.

We discovered that these feelings were most likely happening because of my now being so connected to my emotions. She saw this as a very good thing. Me, not so much. I kind of liked that I could disconnect in the past to these types of appointments. She suggested that I make an initial appt. with my doctor to discuss these feelings with her and to let her know what I’ve been through over the last few years. She felt the doctor would be understanding. She also told me to remember that I am in control and at anytime can ask the doctor to stop and we’ll try another time. That felt very reassuring to me.

So, two weeks later (yes, it still took me time to gather up the courage), I called and made the appt. My counselor was right, my doctor was very understanding and gentle with me. I cried through the whole appointment and all we did was talk but my doctor was not bothered by it at all and was very understanding. I felt a little more safe after that and we decided to make the appointment.

Four weeks later (my doctor is very busy, that was the earliest she could get me in) I returned for the annual checkup. Now, I have to stop and tell you that the closer it got to my appointment the more anxiety I still felt. This may sound crazy to some of you but I was having a hard time convincing myself that it was ok for the doctor to give me this checkup. I was imagining the whole thing feeling like the abuse. I just tried to stay in the here and now and not let my imagination get in the way. The day came and I arrived at her office. She was great! She talked to me throughout the entire checkup and kept asking me if I was doing ok. I was feeling a little anxious but I was ok. After it was done she turned to type some notes in her laptop and that’s when all the emotional release came. I bawled like a baby. She came over and hugged me and told me how courageous I was and that I did something very good for myself today. She advised me to be kind to myself for the rest of the day and to call my counselor if I felt I needed to.

When I returned home after the appt. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone right away. After a while, I called a good friend of mine and told her that I did it! She encouraged me and I told her that it really feels so good to have accomplished this. It wasn’t pleasant but it felt nothing like the abuse and I now have more courage to keep up with my annual checkups.

I really am glad that I did it. It’s such a sense of accomplishment not only that I did something good for myself but by doing this, I took away a level of power the abuse had over me and that feels amazing!