Real Grace

So, I’ve begun writing the letter to my mother.  I’m still not sure if I will send it.  However, it has proven to be a very positive experience for me to write it.  I began writing the letter and it amazed me at how I was able to articulate what it is that I am angry about.  In same ways it sounds like a teenager to me but that’s probably where I am stuck emotionally in my relationship with my mother.  I certainly want to grow past that so I guess I’ll keep writing.

I don’t know that it’s appropriate for me to share the letter here right now.  I feel it’s too early.  This is exposing a very deep place in my heart.  I’m thankful for this exposure but at the same time apprehensive.  I’m thankful because there are still times, too often in my opinion, that I get angry and frustrated with my husband and my children.  I still feel that I’m not fully in control of my anger; like there is something else fueling it.  I feel the fuel just might be this anger with my mother.

Sometimes I wish there was a manual for all of this so you would know exactly what the next step would be to take.  It’s frustrating to me that I can’t see clearly what to do next with my parents and until I do, I choose to do nothing.  I don’t know if that is right either but I don’t know what else to do and I don’t want to spend all of my time and energy trying to figure it out which is how I feel right now.  I want to enjoy my husband and my children and my friends.  So, I’ll continue to work on the letter and see what else may come out.  Maybe that will be enough.

I’ve discovered today that I am still angry at my parents! Probably not a big surprise to those of you who read this blog but I have to say I was a bit caught off guard at the discovery. I believe I still struggle with the “switch” syndrome. What I mean is I have a revelation or gain some insight in an area during my healing process and then I “flip the switch” and that’s it. I’ve arrived on the other side.  I realize I have spoken quite plainly in past posts about healing being a process and it’s about peeling back the layers. I do believe that but, sometimes, I get stuck in old patterns of thinking and feeling.

So, why am I still angry? I don’t really know. I received a card in the mail this week from my mother. Just a “Thinking about you” kind of card. She didn’t really write a whole lot in the card, just that she hopes we are all doing well. I have to tell you I felt nothing, nada, zilch! I tried not to think much about it until I was reading another blog this morning. I related to this person’s story so well. That’s when it hit me. I didn’t feel anything from the card because I am still angry and I still have expectations of a healthy relationship with them so not only am I angry but also still resentfull.  I can’t be satisfied with a “surface” relationship.  I hate that.  I want to be ok with that but….I’m not.  I am striving to get there.  I’m finding it difficult and that’s another reason why I have the boundaries I do…letters or cards only.  If I were to try to have even a surface relationship with them right now I am pretty sure it would affect my moving forward in my healing.  I would start concentrating on how to best meet their needs and how to appropriately act and respond and have to let things “roll” off my back that I know I would have a hard time doing right now.  So, I move forward in my healing without even a surface relationship with my parents.

I’ve decided I am going to write a letter to my mom from my heart.  I don’t know right now if I will send it but I feel I need to write it.  I’ll let you know what happens…stay tuned!

I’m finding it very beneficial to listen to the voice deep inside.  I refer to it as my “gut” but I believe it is the Holy Spirit.  It’s that “thought” or feeling that you just can’t get away from and you may not know exactly why you feel it but you do.  I hear it loudest when I am in a quiet place with God.

I’m learning some very valuable lessons about leadership.  I still have more to learn but listening to my gut and finding the courage to act upon it has to be one of the hardest as well as valuable I am learning right now.  It’s not easy especially when it seems to go against what others are seeing and feeling.  However, God has placed me in this position and I need to be true to His calling.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to share in detail what I have been through in the last couple of weeks but I will tell you it has been a very emotionally draining process.  I can feel it physically.  It’s not over yet but I believe that I will have learned a whole lot and I pray that God will help me to stay in a humble and teachable place.

I can’t believe how much time has gone by since my last post. I apologize. A lot has been happening. Nothing major but enough to pull my attention else where.

So, I have a couple of different ideas swirling around in my head to write about but I’m having difficulty deciding on which to choose. Both are topics which will make me very vulnerable to you. Funny how that works and I don’t know that I will ever see most of you who read this blog. Well, here goes…

For the past several months I have been battling the idea of calling my doctor to make an appt. for an annual checkup. My last one was about 6 years ago. I know, I was way over due. I’m getting closer to 40 years old and know that things can suddenly appear and happen to our bodies just because we’re getting older. I was really feeling like I needed to make this appt. So, several months ago I decided it was time to call. However, each time I decided, “Today is the day I will make the appt.”, I would find some excuse not to call. Now, I realize we all have some level of resistance to making doctors appointments but it was getting to the point that I was feeling great anxiety over it. I decided it was time to process all of this with my counselor.

We discovered that these feelings were most likely happening because of my now being so connected to my emotions. She saw this as a very good thing. Me, not so much. I kind of liked that I could disconnect in the past to these types of appointments. She suggested that I make an initial appt. with my doctor to discuss these feelings with her and to let her know what I’ve been through over the last few years. She felt the doctor would be understanding. She also told me to remember that I am in control and at anytime can ask the doctor to stop and we’ll try another time. That felt very reassuring to me.

So, two weeks later (yes, it still took me time to gather up the courage), I called and made the appt. My counselor was right, my doctor was very understanding and gentle with me. I cried through the whole appointment and all we did was talk but my doctor was not bothered by it at all and was very understanding. I felt a little more safe after that and we decided to make the appointment.

Four weeks later (my doctor is very busy, that was the earliest she could get me in) I returned for the annual checkup. Now, I have to stop and tell you that the closer it got to my appointment the more anxiety I still felt. This may sound crazy to some of you but I was having a hard time convincing myself that it was ok for the doctor to give me this checkup. I was imagining the whole thing feeling like the abuse. I just tried to stay in the here and now and not let my imagination get in the way. The day came and I arrived at her office. She was great! She talked to me throughout the entire checkup and kept asking me if I was doing ok. I was feeling a little anxious but I was ok. After it was done she turned to type some notes in her laptop and that’s when all the emotional release came. I bawled like a baby. She came over and hugged me and told me how courageous I was and that I did something very good for myself today. She advised me to be kind to myself for the rest of the day and to call my counselor if I felt I needed to.

When I returned home after the appt. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone right away. After a while, I called a good friend of mine and told her that I did it! She encouraged me and I told her that it really feels so good to have accomplished this. It wasn’t pleasant but it felt nothing like the abuse and I now have more courage to keep up with my annual checkups.

I really am glad that I did it. It’s such a sense of accomplishment not only that I did something good for myself but by doing this, I took away a level of power the abuse had over me and that feels amazing!