Real Grace

I know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I’ve had a terrible sinus cold so I’ve been doing just enough to take care of my kids and husband and then collapsing on the couch because of the sinus headache.

I was actually waiting to post till after our second meeting but because of a snow storm, we had to cancel.  So, if the weather cooperates, I will be posting about that next week.  I have been doing the homework and it has not been easy.  I’ll need to look over it again before Tuesday but this is really helping to take me deeper into my story.  It’s hard but it’s good because there is still some confusion in some areas for me and I’m really looking for clarity.  I find that the more clarity I have with my story the more I understand why I am the way I am today.  This clarity helps me to either accept myself or change if I can and still be healthy.  This clarity also helps me to set healthy boundaries in relationships and helps me not be so needy but to be more giving in relationships.   It’s funny because I could pretty much always see the selfishness I had in my marriage relationship but I had a hard time changing it.  I could change it for a while and sincerely do things for my husband out of complete selflessness but soon I would turn back to expecting something in return.  The emotional void, the neediness would win out and soon my husband was no longer meeting my needs enough and became the most insensitive person to me at the time.  Now, I see things so much clearer.  My husband couldn’t meet my needs if he was the most perfect husband in the world.  The voids I had in my heart were there long before I met him and had nothing to do with him.  Once I figured this out, things really started to change in my relationship with him.

I began to see clearly, his needs, and wanted and desired to meet them.  This was something new to me and it was wonderful.  At the same time, I couldn’t ignore the voids.  I had to mourn the loss of relationship and love those voids came from.  I had to stop ignoring that they were there and stop trying to brush them aside when they surfaced.  Now, I recognize them quite quickly and know what to do about them.  Yes, I still mourn some things.  Sometimes, there are even new voids that surface and I continue to go through the process of mourning them and moving on.  I can’t change the past and what I was deprived of as a child.  I’m learning to accept this and as I do, I gain clarity.