Real Grace

This was the topic of our group meeting Tuesday night.  There is so much to this lesson that I won’t possibly be able to share it all but I will try to highlight.

First of all, the differences between physical and emotional abandonment were discussed.  The differences are similar to the differences between physical and emotional abuse.   The physical is easier to detect then the emotional but the damage on a persons heart is the same.

Another point brought out was the fact that we are all created with a deep desire to be connected to another human being.  The desire is so deep that even when it has been violated, the child will not and the adult may not end the relationship due to the fear of abandonment.  For me, this explains why I have had a hard time breaking away from my parents, even as an adult.  I realize I need to establish my own personal identity which needs to be based in Christ.

Setting boundaries was another point that hit home for me.  It seems that I have been working on this for about 3 years now with my parents and it all came together for me in one sentence: “One principle they (Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book “Boundaries”) make clear is that a person setting boundaries needs community, because a new way of relating seems “mean”, “unloving”, and very risky.”  That is exactly how it has felt for me.

Understanding that it has been the fear of abandonment that I’ve been struggling with in order to set and keep healthy boundaries, I now have a renewed motivation and strength.  I’m willing to “feel the pain of abandonment, grieve the loss and look to God and safe people to relate to” (quote from “My Journey Continues” by Open Hearts Ministry).

The next lesson is on betrayal.  I’ve looked at the homework and feel this is going to be another layer that will take some time to explore.

I know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I’ve had a terrible sinus cold so I’ve been doing just enough to take care of my kids and husband and then collapsing on the couch because of the sinus headache.

I was actually waiting to post till after our second meeting but because of a snow storm, we had to cancel.  So, if the weather cooperates, I will be posting about that next week.  I have been doing the homework and it has not been easy.  I’ll need to look over it again before Tuesday but this is really helping to take me deeper into my story.  It’s hard but it’s good because there is still some confusion in some areas for me and I’m really looking for clarity.  I find that the more clarity I have with my story the more I understand why I am the way I am today.  This clarity helps me to either accept myself or change if I can and still be healthy.  This clarity also helps me to set healthy boundaries in relationships and helps me not be so needy but to be more giving in relationships.   It’s funny because I could pretty much always see the selfishness I had in my marriage relationship but I had a hard time changing it.  I could change it for a while and sincerely do things for my husband out of complete selflessness but soon I would turn back to expecting something in return.  The emotional void, the neediness would win out and soon my husband was no longer meeting my needs enough and became the most insensitive person to me at the time.  Now, I see things so much clearer.  My husband couldn’t meet my needs if he was the most perfect husband in the world.  The voids I had in my heart were there long before I met him and had nothing to do with him.  Once I figured this out, things really started to change in my relationship with him.

I began to see clearly, his needs, and wanted and desired to meet them.  This was something new to me and it was wonderful.  At the same time, I couldn’t ignore the voids.  I had to mourn the loss of relationship and love those voids came from.  I had to stop ignoring that they were there and stop trying to brush them aside when they surfaced.  Now, I recognize them quite quickly and know what to do about them.  Yes, I still mourn some things.  Sometimes, there are even new voids that surface and I continue to go through the process of mourning them and moving on.  I can’t change the past and what I was deprived of as a child.  I’m learning to accept this and as I do, I gain clarity.

I’ve talked in the past about a ministry/organization we started for women. It’s called REAL Grace for Women. We use a workbook by Open Hearts Ministry called “The Journey Guide”. We started back in September with our first small group. This past January, two new facilitators started a second group. At the end of December we were notified by Open Hearts that they would have a continuation to the Journey Guide available to order in January. This workbook is called “My Journey Continues”.
So, we had our first meeting last night with the second workbook, “My Journey Continues”. We had to draw or have drawn our body outlines. I choose to actually lay on a big piece of paper and have one of the other participants outline me. That was not easy but I felt it was what I needed to do in order to connect to this project. We then took them and, as part of our homework, we need to fill out seven 3×5 index cards with various information like our birth date, our siblings with a brief history, our parents birth date and brief history, events that happened like moving or cultural events . Inside the body outline we are to share the traumas, abuses, boundary violations, and events that we feel shaped and influenced us as a child and on to adulthood. Yeah, I think this is going to take me longer then one week. But, I’m going to do it because I think it will help me to stop minimizing how things effect and impact me today. When I step back and look at my story, it’s easy to ask the question “Why?”. Why, after so many years, are these traumas, abuses, boundary violations, etc still impacting me? I believe that this exercise will help me to see just how much was placed on my as a child and then I can stop asking “Why?”.