Real Grace

I have had such an amazing week.  Not for any specific reason, really.  The weight I had been feeling for the past month has finally lifted.  I’m sure it has something to do with the choices I have been making recently regarding my parents.

My Counselor and I discussed, this week, how powerful the bond is between a parent and a child.  Not that it’s a new revelation or anything but going through this with my parents has really opened my eyes as to how much power parents have over their children and how much more important it is for parents to be responsible with this power.  It is a gift from God not to be misused or abused.  This past week, I’m finally feeling the release from the misuse and abuse of that power with my parents.  It kind of feels funny saying that at my age (older than 30):-) but it’s the truth. The bond between a parent and a child is something God designed to be a benefit for both the parent and the child.  I can truly say I am experiencing that with my children.  I’m not perfect by any stretch but I am learning from my past and because of that, am a better parent then my parents were.

I have one more visit scheduled with my Counselor in a couple of weeks to discuss another issue that has unveiled its self.  I’m not feeling comfortable sharing it here, yet.  I think it will be the last bump on this section of my path to healing.  I’m sure there will be more bumps along the way and for that I am very grateful to be able to have my supportive friends, family and Counselor to call upon if and when I need to.  All of that in addition to the most dearest friend in my life, Jesus, has been what has helped me through this season in my healing. I’m feeling so blessed and thankful today!

I decided to talk with my therapist today about how to or if I can have a healthy relationship with my parents. I began to articulate to her the feelings I have surrounding that. I told her that I have hoped, right from the start, that I would be able to have a healthy relationship however, I’m now beginning to feel that is not possible. Their responses to me are so unhealthy and that frustrates me. I want to be able to share with them why it’s difficult for me to see them or talk to them right now due to the layer that has been peeled back in my healing. I have tried sharing with them in the past and it has not helped. Their response has been to just want me to hurry up and get over it so we can stop talking about the past. Well, that’s not healthy for me right now. My Counselor helped me to see that they most likely respond this way because I, or this process, is forcing them to look at their own stuff and they don’t like that. They don’t want to have to do that so they want me to stop talking about it and just behave as I always have in the past - like it never happened.

I definitely have more processing to do on this issue but for today, I’m feeling content with not making any effort to connect with my parents.  I’m going to rest in that for a while.  I’m going to choose not to talk to them because for me to have a healthy dialog with them requires for them to have healthy responses and up to this point, that has not happened.  So I guess the answer to my question is - Not to talk!

I was reminded of a scripture verse from the bible this morning: Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Do you ever find yourself during this healing process caught up in the “emotions”?  I feel that is where I have been.  I’ve been so focused on making sure I don’t stuff the feelings only to have them surface and explode later on because that has been my pattern for 25+ years.  I’m afraid that I have not gone to God during this storm that I am currently in as often as I need to be.  My healing process is not always a storm, please don’t misunderstand me.  It is just where I am currently at.

I was reminded that thanksgiving is an important part of this verse because it speaks of trust and confidence.  That hit home because trust can still be a huge issue for me.  To thank God for doing something before I actually see it come to pass does speak of a level of trust I struggle with.  I do believe it’s a control thing.  I have a hard time feeling like He can really take care of things for me.  I feel more like I can probably do a better job or maybe it’s more that I need to be able to supervise to make sure it’s being done right.

What this verse says to me today is that I need to be able to put my whole trust in God and then I can experience the peace of God which goes beyond all human understanding.  This peace will cover me and protect my heart and mind.

I was talking with a friend last night and as we were talking I heard myself saying, “Emotions can lie”.  I woke up thinking about that this morning and thought I probably could have also said, “Emotions can distort our perception of reality”.  I realize God created emotions to be a healthy part of us but there is a place for them.  I cannot let them reside in the place of truth.  I fear this is also what I have been doing.

So, to sum up I choose today to cry out to God, thank Him for taking care of me, and walk in truth!

Well, it’s 12:20am and for some reason I cannot sleep. So I’ve decided to write about something that is heavily on my mind right now. It is something my counselor and I discussed on Tuesday.

We were discussing the dynamic between my parents and I and where I am at today. She gave me this visual that I would like to share with you. If you can picture her taking her right hand, holding it up in front of her and close to her. Then she took her left hand and held it up in front of her but out away from her body. She then said, “The right hand represents me and the left hand represents my parents. As far as reconciling this relationship I have and am doing my part and have moved forward. She then took her right hand and moved it half way into the gap between her two hands. She then said, “Your parents, however have not been doing their part and have not moved towards you, leaving this gap, therein lies resentment on your part.” I agreed. “Now it’s like you have a leash around them and are trying to pull them towards you but they still are not moving.” I agreed again. “So, now, you are trying to fill the gap yourself but what you need to realize is that there is no humanely way possible that you can do that.” To this I very humbly agreed. So, from that day on I have decided three things: 1. I will no longer be in resentment. 2. I will let go of the leash. 3. I will stop doing things that to try to fill the gap.

What amazing freedom I have been experiencing since I’ve made those decisions. I have to think about them everyday because it does not come natural to me yet but everyday I experience more freedom and it makes me not want to go back. I want to keep moving forward even though it seems like the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. It’s kind of like exercise for me. I really dislike exercising but I know if I keep my body moving it’s one of the healthiest things for it. It’s the same for the emotional part of me. There’s really no other option. I have 2 precious children depending on me. I will keep moving!

I have discovered that 2 months ago another layer to my healing began to be peeled back. This is when I learned about my father threatening my brother not to say anything about him (my father) coming into my room on one of the nights my father violated me. I became very angry at my father regarding this news and worked very hard at not disconnecting from that anger. That is what I use to do in the past. I would shut off my emotions.

This is one of the reasons the holidays were so tough. I made an appt. with my counselor and saw her this past Tuesday. I’m so glad I did! I haven’t had to see her in a little over a year and was almost feeling weak because I had to call her again. Then I realized that this is part of taking care of myself. It took almost the complete hour before we were able to nail down where my anger was really coming from. This is how my counselor described it: It’s the difference between someone getting hurt or even murdered as the result of an accident vs. premeditating the murder, committing the crime, then chopping the body up and burying it somewhere. That was a harsh picture but it described exactly what I was feeling and I started bawling my eyes out.  The realty that the abuse was in no way an “accident” and can in no way be excused hit me hard!

I’ve decided to make a few more appts. with her and see where things go after that. I am learning to take better care of myself no matter what consequences that might bring between my parents and myself.

I’m picking up where I left off in my post “My Story”. I mentioned writing more about my healing and where that has taken me. I started counseling for the second time 3 years ago. At first, I really didn’t think it was going to be a big deal. I would go in, tell her my story, she would give me some advice and then I would carry on making better choices. Hmmm, not so much. I can remember her first response to me after I told her my story. She said, “You talk about so much pain and yet show no emotion.” I had no idea what she was talking about. I knew what happened to me was wrong but what did she mean by showing emotion.

Well, in the days and months ahead I found out what she meant. Together we unlocked the door to my emotions. I was not prepared for what we found there. It’s still hard to share it at times. I found anger and hatred towards my father. It was hard to believe that was buried deep in my heart. For so many years I had convinced myself that I was ok and didn’t hold any feelings against him. I felt horrible. I ended up becoming very depressed and suicidal. I had to start taking an anti-depressant and my counselor and I began the long process of peeling back the layers of damage that were upon my heart.

This process is still continuing today. I no longer see my counselor on a regular basis but we do meet once in a while. I’ve just started feeling anger towards my mother - another new layer. I used to think, “I can’t wait till I’m done with this”. Now, I know that it is unrealistic for me to think this way and am learning to embrace this process and learn all that I can through it. I want to be healthy for my husband and my kids and I believe this is the best way to do that.

A few months into counseling I found an amazing book called “The Wounded Heart”, by Dr. Dan Allender. Not an easy read but what great insight! I then came to a point where I wanted to start processing in a group, more specifically a Christian group for survivors of abuse. I began searching the internet and came upon Open Hearts Ministry. This is a ministry that trains people to facilitate small groups. They deal with all forms and aspects of abuse. I found that there were only a couple of groups held in my area and neither one was running at the time so I decided we needed more groups.

Long story short, I began talking with my Pastor who put me in touch with the Women’s Ministry director of our church and we began to plan to attend training. We made it to training in April 07 and began our first Grace Group in Sept. 07. We’re gearing up for our second group to start at the end of Jan. 08. You can check out our website for this ministry, REAL Grace for Women. If you are in the Manchester, NH area and would like to participate we would feel honored to have you. You can print out an application from the website.

As hard as this journey of healing is I know that I am better today for starting it and continuing on it. I’m in a hard place right now. The holidays were tough and some layers were peeled back but I know that I will make it through this because I know God’s faithfulness. I have experienced it many times in the past and there is no reason for me to doubt it today.