A Safe Place to Heal
Dec
31
I decided to write today about my experience this holiday season. It seems that every year they are hard. This year was hard but a different hard. I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up anymore when I know my father is going to be at the same gathering. I can even give him a genuine hug. However, I was not feeling excited about seeing either one of them this time around. We were all getting together over my sister’s house the Saturday after Christmas. I felt so uncomfortable around them. I did not feel like I could truly be myself. Nothing really significant happened, it just wasn’t comfortable. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say nothing happened. I did end up saying something that hurt my husbands feelings. Even after I said it I wondered why I said it.
Yesterday I had a chance to process all of this. I woke up very depressed. I believe I had a nightmare Saturday night. My husband said I woke him up because I yelled out in my sleep. I remember him rubbing my shoulder but I don’t remember yelling and I don’t remember what I was dreaming about. So, yesterday I was feeling really ashamed for hurting my husband. We talked through it and everything is fine between us but I really needed to figure out why I did what I did. Well, I think I’ve figured it out.
When I was around my parents on Saturday and felt like I couldn’t be myself, I tried to be someone else. Someone who I felt they would be more comfortable with. Whenever I’ve tried to do this in the past, I would disconnect emotionally. This is what I did on Saturday. What do I mean by disconnect? I no longer pay attention to how I am feeling. But it’s more then just not paying attention. It’s a total disregard and I use everything within me to ignore what I’m feeling. It sounds hard to do but I learned to do it at a very young age so it comes quite naturally. When I disconnect emotionally, I become insensitive to those around me. I think I’m saying something witty and funny but I’m really overstepping my boundaries. This is when others get hurt. That was a wake up call for me on Saturday.
I’ve decided that I need to keep this in the forefront of my mind the next time I know I will be seeing my parents. I don’t want to disconnect anymore. It’s so unhealthy for me. I feel I need to have a plan in place for when I feel myself disconnecting. What that is, I’m not really sure. If anyone has suggestions, I’m all ears.
January 1st, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I am very sorry you had a negative experience with your parents at the family gathering. I am glad that you were able to think through this experience.
I see you have processed that you disconnected emotionally to enable yourself to be like someone else when you were with your parents. Because you did not write about it here, I wonder if you went that next step, and asked yourself the next questions:
“Why couldn’t I be myself with my parents?”
“Why did I feel the need to be someone else?”
“What would it look like to be myself around my parents?”
“What would it feel like to be myself around my parents?,”
“What might have happened if I was myself when I was with them?”
I wonder if you have recently been able to be yourself around them, and this was a surprising reaction to you. If you were surprised by yourself, have you recently come to new views about your parents, which might influence this reaction?
I’m also curious, and I do not intend to be insensitive here, but when you say you have been able to give your father a genuine hug, are you certain it has been genuine, without any disconnecting, reservations, etc…? I only ask, beacuse it seems like if you are uncomfortable being you around him, I wonder how you can whole-heartedly want to hug him if you do not feel safe when being yourself with him?
I think asking yourself these questions now might be helpful for you as you formulate a plan to stay emotionally connected for the next time.
I do not mean to minimize the work you have done. I think that your ability to recognize that you reacted to that situation and your ability to work those feelings instead of ignoring them shows great emotional health. Just a couple questions if you think there may be a little more digging to be done…
January 1st, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Wow, great questions! I have to say I did not go that next step. I have to say I need to really think about them. I have some initial thoughts but I really want to take more time to process through them. Thank you for taking the time to write.
I can say this, as soon as I saw your question about being able to hug my father, I knew right away that I have been stuffing my true feelings about it. I have not really been able to hug him lately without reservation. I don’t trust him so how could I. I’ve hesitated admitting that because I don’t want to go back to not giving him hugs. I’m still not sure that’s the answer. I think it’s more that I need to separate the expectations I have of his behavior changing and what I give or don’t give to this relationship.
Ah, this is such a wonderful process (sarcastically speaking of course).