Real Grace

I decided to write today about my experience this holiday season. It seems that every year they are hard. This year was hard but a different hard. I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up anymore when I know my father is going to be at the same gathering. I can even give him a genuine hug. However, I was not feeling excited about seeing either one of them this time around. We were all getting together over my sister’s house the Saturday after Christmas. I felt so uncomfortable around them. I did not feel like I could truly be myself. Nothing really significant happened, it just wasn’t comfortable. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say nothing happened. I did end up saying something that hurt my husbands feelings. Even after I said it I wondered why I said it.

Yesterday I had a chance to process all of this. I woke up very depressed. I believe I had a nightmare Saturday night. My husband said I woke him up because I yelled out in my sleep. I remember him rubbing my shoulder but I don’t remember yelling and I don’t remember what I was dreaming about. So, yesterday I was feeling really ashamed for hurting my husband. We talked through it and everything is fine between us but I really needed to figure out why I did what I did. Well, I think I’ve figured it out.

When I was around my parents on Saturday and felt like I couldn’t be myself, I tried to be someone else. Someone who I felt they would be more comfortable with. Whenever I’ve tried to do this in the past, I would disconnect emotionally. This is what I did on Saturday. What do I mean by disconnect? I no longer pay attention to how I am feeling. But it’s more then just not paying attention. It’s a total disregard and I use everything within me to ignore what I’m feeling. It sounds hard to do but I learned to do it at a very young age so it comes quite naturally. When I disconnect emotionally, I become insensitive to those around me. I think I’m saying something witty and funny but I’m really overstepping my boundaries. This is when others get hurt. That was a wake up call for me on Saturday.

I’ve decided that I need to keep this in the forefront of my mind the next time I know I will be seeing my parents. I don’t want to disconnect anymore. It’s so unhealthy for me. I feel I need to have a plan in place for when I feel myself disconnecting. What that is, I’m not really sure. If anyone has suggestions, I’m all ears.

I am the second oldest of five kids; one brother, the oldest, and 3 younger sisters. My family went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and every Wed. night. My father played his guitar on the platform during worship service and was a leader in the church. My siblings and I learned to sing as my father played his guitar and we would often sing specials at church. As we got older my 3 sisters and I learned harmony and came to really enjoy singing together and performing specials not only at our church but also at other churches and special events in our community.

I was 10 or 11 years old the first time my father entered my room. It was at night after most everyone had gone to bed. I don’t know if my mother was still lying on the couch watching TV or if she had also gone to bed. That is what I remember most about my mother. If she wasn’t on the couch she was busy cleaning. Anyway, my father came into my room, slipped his hands under the covers of my bed and began touching me in inappropriate places. He would then say to me that this was something he didn’t want me learning on the streets. Like that justified it! My memories are very sketchy from the ages of 10 to 13. When I first recalled these events to my counselor it was as if I was not connected to my body. I have 3 distinct memories of him touching me but I did not connect to the feelings, emotionally or physically, until 3 years ago when I began counseling. I’ve always had the memories but I now realize my body completely disconnected in order to survive it. I’ve also learned, just in the last couple of months, that my older brother was awake and heard my father come into my room and heard everything that went on. He told me that he tossed and turned in his bed, wanting to come in and rescue me but he choose not to. He was only 12 or 13 at the time but has carried around that guilt all these years. After my father was done with me my dad went into his room and threatened him if he told anyone. I don’t remember exactly when this next event happened but my father and I were driving to a doctors appt. for myself and that is when he apologized to me for touching me the way he had been and then told me to keep it between himself and me. As a 10 or 11 year old kid, that is what I did for the next 20+ years.

The whole time this was going on in my home we were attending church regularly. No one outside our home never knew I was suffering such abuse. I also suffered verbal and physical abuse from both my parents. Spankings were used to remind us who was in control and how bad we were for disobeying them. They were always administered in anger. I’ve since learned the proper way to administer spankings and learned that it should only take a few swats and then be over and never done in anger. I remember many times counting my father swatting me. I would reach the number 10 and then I stopped counting and began concentrating more on just getting it over with. I thought that if I didn’t fight him it would be over more quickly. That never proved to be true. It was always excessive. My mother would slap us in the face or on the head, whatever was the closest target. She yelled constantly. The volume she would reach would hurt my ears and was very annoying but what was more upsetting was what she would say when she was mad. Things like how I will never change and how I will always be this way. She never really explained those things in detail and so I interpreted them to mean I will always be a bad person and will never be able to please my parents. I also remember witnessing fist fights between my father and my brother. It scared me terribly and, again, I immediately disconnected from the event as to not feel anything.

From the age of 14, I couldn’t wait to “get out of the house”. I began hanging around other kids who smoked, drank and even did some drugs and of course sex. I tried it all. Smoking and sex were the two things I stuck with. They were my escape. When I turned the age 18 I graduated from high school and found a job. Things at home were really bad now and I needed to leave. I left home very abruptly and moved in with my boyfriend at the time. I also stopped going to church. Just 5 or 6 months later I became pregnant. It was the last thing I wanted to happen but I was very naive and understood very little about birth control. Once I discovered I was pregnant I decided to stop smoking and drinking and decided I needed to figure some things out. I moved back home and decided to go back to church. Things were better at home but not great. My parents were still very abusive verbally and emotionally. The church we attended was very legalistic which did not help matters.

I went through with the pregnancy and decided to give the baby up for adoption. So, at age 19, that is what I did. After that I decided to attend Bible College and really try to figure out my relationship with God. Unfortunately, I went to a very legalistic Bible College. I did, however, learn how to study God’s word effectively which helps me tremendously today.

Today, I am married and have two wonderful children. I actually met my husband when I was a senior in high school. He was in his last year of the Navy. He stayed in for 4 years. It was his sister, whom I met through the church I attended, that introduced us on a blind date. It was and still is the best date I ever had. However, after that date he had to finish his last year in the Navy stationed in WA and I had to finish high school in NH. At that point I was very emotionally needy and he, in my opinion at the time, wasn’t fulfilling those needs. Little did I know that there was no way he would be able to fulfill those needs. We did remain friends and dated other people. He moved to NH and watched me go through the pregnancy and attend Bible College. Finally, 2 years after I graduated from Bible College and after 9 years of friendship, the stars and moon aligned (I’m joking of course) and he asked me to marry him. We’ve been married now for almost 14 years.

After 5 years of our marriage I began to really struggle emotionally. You see, up until I got married I struggled with promiscuity. I thought once I got married all of that would change. It did in the fact that I was now not committing sin in the eyes of God but it did not change anything emotionally. I sought out a counselor who told me I needed to forgive my father. I thought I had but I then decided that I must not have done it correctly. So I “flipped a switch” and decided to once again forgive my father. After 4 sessions of counseling, I was “cured”. Yeah, right! Two or three years later, the emotional turmoil began again and this time I sought a different counselor. Fortunately I found a wonderful counselor who really understood the issues I was dealing with and began to guide me through a true healing process.

I fear this post is long enough so I will continue with my healing in my next post. Thanks for listening.

12/22/07

So, I’m just getting familiar with this blogging thing. I branched out and began searching for other survivors of abuse that have blogs. I found one that I am very pleased to share with you. Her name is Kathy. She’s from San Diego. She’s a very brave woman. You can read her blog by clicking here. It is because of her that I decided my next blog will contain my story. I think it is so very important for us to “get it out”. It’s so true that when we keep in the secrets, it only makes them more powerful. Yes, I have shared my story before, yet I still feel an inexplainable urge to hide from it. I don’t know if it will be before Christmas day but I will definitely post it next time.

12/20/2007

I really need to get better at writing more often.

Anyway, we just finished our first Real Grace group this past Monday evening. I can’t believe it’s over all ready. I’m so thankful for this ministry. The experience is inexplicable in a lot of ways. It truly is something you need to experience for yourself. However, I can say that I feel stronger each and every time I finish a group like this. I’ve been involved in 2 other book study groups. One specifically on the issue of sexual abuse (The Wounded Heart, by Dr. Dan Allendar) and the other was a more general study (Captivating, by Stasi Eldredge). Both were beneficial to me and excellent resources but I have to say this group was the most beneficial.

I’m feeling more confident about my boundaries in relationships then I ever have before. Since I last blogged, I have pretty much come to the conclusion that healthy relationships are a lot about healthy boundaries. I’m learning how to set those boundaries with my parents and hold to them whether my parents respect them or not. See, that was part of my problem. When my parents would not respect my boundaries I would then waiver in my decision as to whether or not to keep the boundary. That has now changed and I feel so much better. Real Grace has helped me come to this choice. It’s amazing being in a room of 7 other women and hearing the truth spoken into your heart. It’s not always easy because the truth can sometimes be harsh and hard to face, but it’s always delivered in a loving way. The intent is never to re-abuse a person I can say I always felt “loved well”.

I feel like I have 7 new, true friends after being in this group. Friends I can share anything with and I know they will be honest with me and love me so unconditionally. I look forward to the future with these new found friends.

12/01/2007 - My first blog - ever!

This is a question I have always believed the answer to be “Yes”. I believed it even when I first began facing the wounds of my abuse 3 years ago. I believed that there had to be a way to feel better emotionally; that there is a way to stop dealing with the same emotional issues. Although I have to say my issues were not as clear to me in the beginning as they are now. Since being able to identify my emotional issues: control, mistrust, low self-esteem, etc., and being able to allow Jesus to heal the wounds that caused those issues I can say with confidence this journey of healing does get better. I won’t say easier because each level of wounds is different but I am learning and understand more how to face those wounds, not to stuff them or the feelings, and allow Jesus to heal them.

I have to say the harder question for me now is, “Can you have healthy relationships with those who’ve abused you?”. My abusers were my parents. I am finding it very difficult to be in relationship with them. My experience has been that they have so many issues themselves that constantly get in the way of us having a healthy relationship. I’m trying to change the way I relate and respond to people but, unfortunately, my parents are not. I want to be known as a very forgiving and “grace-giving” person even to those who’ve abused me. I believe the key is in healthy boundaries. This is an area I’m still working on and pondering.

This is the new site for REAL Grace blogs. This is a community site so if you would like to comment on someone’s blog or start your own blog all you need to do is register and log in. It’s a little different then the blogs area on www.real-grace.org so you may need to give yourself a little time to get used to it. But, we do invite you to share as you feel to.