Real Grace

WOW! WOW! WOW!  I just had the most amazing conversation with my mother and father.  Yes, you are reading that correctly…my MOTHER and my FATHER whom I’ve been in off and on contact with for the last 5 years (more off then on).

Let me back up just a little.  About 2 months ago I decided to start writing to them and try to articulate to them as best I could where I was at in this relationship and what I felt needed to be addressed.  They both sent me a letter this past week saying exactly what I needed to hear…they are open to discuss whatever I need to and want very much to help me heal from the past.  While I was on the phone with them tonight I was able to express some of the pain I’ve been dealing with these past 5 years and they both handled it so well.

I have to tell you, I feel a little numb right now.  I think I’m in a little bit of shock.  I really did not expect that I would ever get to this point with either of them.  I felt that they may be stuck in their ways of understanding and would find it difficult to move forward in new understanding.  Their letters this week told me otherwise and the phone conversation I just had with them confirmed that.  We are definitely on a new path of restoration and if feels incredible.  I’m so excited for what the future holds for my relationship with them. I will definitely keep you posted!  Woohoo!

I just had to write to tell you how much of a great weekend I had.  This year I fully focused on God as my father and my husband as a father to our children.

I was able to truly worship God this weekend in the trust that is building in my relationship with him.  In years past I was filled with too much fear to do this.  I would worship God, but on my terms.  Every day I’m feeling myself let go more and more and trust Him with my life.  It’s very freeing.

This weekend the kids and I honored my husband.  What a fantastic time that was!  Not only did we buy him some things he has been wanting but we spent both Saturday and Sunday doing whatever he wanted and making sure all of his needs were met before we did anything for ourselves.  My husband is not a demanding person at all so this was quite easy to carry out for me.  It was a little more difficult for the kids I think.  They didn’t mind doing things for dad but they didn’t like it when it cut into their video game playing time or something else they really wanted to do.  We had to have a few discussions with them about their attitudes and we’ll most likely be having a few more.  But, overall, it was a great weekend.  My husband is a fantastic father to our children and he does it without expecting anything in return but it was so nice to be able to show him that we notice!

I decided to check out the public school in our town and was considering enrolling my kids this fall.  That was a very difficult process for me…very emotional.  The fact that it was so emotional took me by surprise.  I am so use to operating logically, cognitively that when something unexpected hits me emotionally I feel weak.  Everything within me struggles not to push down the emotion and beat myself up, mentally, for being so weak.  Logically, I know that thinking I am weak is “stinking thinking” but it’s a battle emotionally.  After writing up a list of pros and cons I have decided to continue homeschool for now.  I’m at great peace with it and even excited about it again.  I was able to process through this decision without too much self contempt but I see it’s an area I still need to work on.

I also had a huge blowout with another homeschool mom.  My heart is still very sad over the whole thing.  I’m questioning and doubting everything I said to this mom.  I’m hearing the voices and messages from the past like “I need to keep my mouth shut”…”I’m too bold”…”I’m too aggressive”…etc.  I really was trying to show my heart but it was not taken like that at all.  My biggest mistake was trying to communicate through email.  The translation or “spirit” behind my words was completely lost.  For that I am truly sad because damage has been done and I’m not sure that I will ever be able to restore with this person.  <Big Sigh>.  I guess I just need to chalk this experience up to one of learning and try to do better in the future.

What about you?  Do you still struggle with this?  I would love to hear how you are dealing with negative thoughts and messages about yourself and if it is something you struggle with.

I can’t believe I missed the whole month of May here.  Well, I guess when I think back on it, May was a somewhat difficult month.  It all worked out for good but it had some defined difficult moments.  At times, I was still working through the death of my brother in law who passed away the day before Easter.  At other times it was dealing with pain from the past that had surfaced.  Then there is the fact that I have decided to start writing my parents again, which is going fairly well.  I’m waiting for a response to my second letter to them.  I’m taking it one small step at a time and I really think it is going to help us communicate better.  I’m finding it is crucial to be able to communicate properly while I’m stepping through restoration.  Good communication has never been a part of my family of origin’s dynamic so we’ll see how it turns out.

I think the biggest thing I am struggling with right now is trust.  I’m finding that I am having a lot of conversation with myself when I am over someones home with my kids, especially if there is another man there.   It doesn’t seem to matter how long I have known these people either.  This pattern of behavior has definitely been a part of me for a very long time.  I just didn’t pay much attention to it.  Well, you know how that goes on this journey of healing.  Things we don’t pay much attention to have a way of making it to the surface.  The way they usually surface can be very disturbing, too.  This particular behavior for me made it’s way to the surface through a dream.  I’m not going to share the dream because it won’t really matter.  I believe the players in the dream were not the problem and could have been anyone.  The point of the dream was my lack of trust in people.

If I were to think back over the last 5 years I would say the majority of my healing has been focused on learning to truly trust God.  Now I believe the tide is turning and He is attempting to show me that through Him I can trust others.  Oooo, a chill just ran down my spine.  Trusting others is a very scary thought for me.  I learned from a very young age to be self sufficient; to protect myself.  My parents had built a wall around our family that was very high and very wide.  I knew from a very young age that no one from outside our family could penetrate it.  I decided that it was best not to sit around hoping that someone would break through the wall and so began behaving in a way that would prevent the pain from being felt so deeply and so intensely. That is how I have been behaving in relationships ever since.  The behavior has taken on various forms.  Those forms are destructive in my relationships.

If you are reading this and you think of me over the next few days or weeks, please remember to pray for me.  I feel this is a huge root of the abuse and I believe with my whole heart that it needs to be exposed and dealt with…but I’m scared.  Just being honest, here.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope I have helped you in some small way today.

Life has been so busy and thrown me some curve balls lately.  The busyness has been good.  My sister and her family were visiting for a week.  We had a wonderful time.  Just before they came down (the day before) I had to attend the funeral of my brother in law.  He was only 46 and his death was completely unexpected.

I’m feeling much better today but was not quite myself while my sister was here.  I feel bad on one hand because they and I had been so looking forward to this visit.  We had it planned for months.  On the other hand, they completely understood and were so gracious the entire week.  I’m grateful to be able to be who I am around others now.  I’m still learning how to do this.  I tend to fall back into old habits and try to perform the way I think they expect me to.  I found myself in that battle at times while my sister was here but I didn’t give in like I use to.

During my counseling session on Saturday I was able to share all of my feelings surrounding my brother in laws death and how it had been affecting me while my sister was here.  After we processed through it all my counselor asked me, “So, what do you and your husband have planned for fun this weekend?”.  She caught me off guard a little.  I was not expecting a question like that at all.  After taking a moment to think about the question I completely relaxed, smiled and agreed that we need to have some fun.  One of the things we did, since it was 95 degrees here, was wash the car and then have a water fight with the kids.  My daughter said, “This is the best day ever”.  I often forget how little it takes, sometimes, for kids to feel so happy.  It was a good reminder for me to just keep things simple.

I’ve decided to write today about how I’ve been thinking about my parents often.  I miss them.  I’m feeling weary waiting, hoping for the day when I can interact with them and not feel like the little girl I once was.  I feel like I need to grow up.  Maybe that is what this phase of counseling is about.  Helping me to “grow up”.  I don’t mean that in the sense that I need to “get over it”.  There are certain areas where I am stuck.  I see some responses to things in my life today like I am still that scared, little girl.

I know the Bible has several verses about how God has made available to us the power to conquer fear.  I guess I need to recognize and acknowledge the fear before I can conquer it. It feels very strange to be looking at and connecting to this fear as an adult.  It feels almost foolish.  However, I see the power it has had over me all these years and I want to be free from it!  So, I press on through the feelings, through the emotions that would otherwise stop me and hold me back.  This is a choice I can make today as an adult.  I am not that little girl anymore.

Quite often, lately, I have been feeling like I have made no progress on this road of healing.  I have found myself having a conversation with myself about how well I am doing and that I am not the same person I was 5, 10, 20 years ago.  I think it’s hard for me to see the progress because I have reached a point where I’m needing counseling again to work through more pain.  I’m very glad I decided to seek out a counselor but somehow I keep thinking that because I’ve had to do that, I am no longer growing.  How silly is that?!?

I guess this may be part of the whole learning to parent myself thing.  It’s very difficult to tell myself the same things I would tell my children when they are having a hard time dealing with their feelings.  It’s so much easier to guide them through it vs guiding myself.

I also find this is something that attacks my self confidence.  I feel that if I’m not growing than I’m not as mature as other adults my age and therefore most likely sound less intelligent when I’m around them.  Oh the pain I put myself through when I judge myself so harshly.

All of what I just shared is most of what I have been thinking about today.  Now that I am at the end of today, I think I will try to look at myself with much more kindness tomorrow.

For the last few months it has been difficult to take a deep breath and feel like my lungs are really filling with air.  Rather, it has felt like someone is sitting on my chest and pushing the air out no matter how hard I try to fill them.

I began counseling again a couple of weeks ago.  It was one of the best decisions I have made.  The difficulty breathing I just described, along with some other symptoms, told me it was time to do more work.  While the “work” has been difficult, it has been amazingly rewarding.  Not only have I have been talking with my counselor but also with my support system (friends and some family members), which, I am happy to say, has expanded to include more family members. :)  Yes, restoration is happening!

I’m simply amazed at how faithful God is even when I can’t feel Him.  He has used this time in my life to allow a specific and very powerful fear that had an incredible hold on me and was literally sucking the life out of me to surface and be dealt with.  The fear I am speaking of is the fear of being molested and of my children being molested.  I didn’t realize I still had a fear of it happening to myself but I have recognized for a while the fear I’ve had of it happening to my children.  This fear brought on horrible nightmares and anxiety.

Through talking with some key people I can, with great confidence, tell you that today that fear is at a minimum.  It no longer has a grip nor is it sucking the life out of me. These past couple of days I have been able to take in a deep breath and feel refreshed but more importantly I have been able to relax and really enjoy my children like I have never been able to before.

I believe this has all come about because God has used these key people in my life.  He’s so faithful that way.  I don’t fully understand His ways but when He gives me a glimpse of them, “WOW!”, is all I can say.  I am so very thankful to be in this new place and am very exited about the future!

Ah, even as I type that title I feel a deep relief coming over me.  I realized, yesterday, that I am trying to do too much.  It came to me kind of as a “V-8″ moment or a light bulb going on over my head.  I don’t like that fact that it still takes me a while to recognize that I’m overwhelmed and need to say “No” to things and take care of me.  It’s so not my first response.  My first response is to take care of everyone else.

So, yesterday, I realized I had been feeling very frustrated and angry over the past couple of days.  I also saw that I didn’t want to talk to anyone; it was a very over powering, wanting to withdraw feeling.  So, I decided to take a long bubble bath in my soaking tub.  It really helped.  I began to completely relax and then was able to pray and think about all I was feeling and what I needed to do to change it.

I’m feeling much better today.  I’m not looking forward to still having to say “No” to some things but I know I need to.  I have a new plan and part of it definitely includes bubble baths!

There’s been so much going on in my life lately on all levels.  My family and I just went through a major move and are still in transition.  We are getting settled but it’s taking a little time to get everything in order.  Unfortunately, this all takes away from my time to write here.  That’s not a real good thing either because I’m still dealing with layers of “stuff”.  I’ve been having nightmares again (just had another one the other night).  I am in the process of finding a new counselor but that is taking time.

So, here I am.  Kind of a mess but I’m here!  I am reaching out to my support system but it’s hard because they are all many hours (by car) away so a phone call has to suffice.  I’m realizing that I still need to learn how to totally and completely run to God and trust Him with my pain.  That’s one of the reasons why I’m a bit of a mess right now.  I still find that I have trust issues.

On the flip side of all this I do see progress.  If all this had happened 5 years ago, I may not be here right now.  The whole thing would have been completely overwhelming and sent me over the edge, I truly believe that.  So, I guess I’m not as much of a mess as I could be.