Real Grace

Wow, has it been a while or what since I have posted?  This may be my longest stretch yet.  Hope there are still some of you out there that care to read.

I’ve been feeling to write for several weeks but never had any one specific thing come to mind.  Things have been pretty good.  I’ve been busy with my family and friends.  I’m also getting ready to co-facilitate a small group for REAL Grace for Women.  We start this Wed., Jan 27th.  I’m really looking forward to that.  I’ll probably have lots more to write after we get started.  This group usually stirs things within my story and I know that’s a good thing.

One thing I have pretty heavy on my mind write now is the prospect of writing a book.  Yes, I know, it seems like everyone is writing a book these days.  That’s one of the reasons I feel like I am “dragging my feet” on getting started.  I don’t want it to be just another book.  I’m praying for direction and having a lot of conversations with my husband about it.  Did I mention it was his idea?  He’s so supportive.  Four years ago he suggested I try to start a small group for women.  That’s how REAL Grace was born.  So, I am giving some close attention to this book idea.  We’ll see what happens.

Well, I hope you are all well!  Til next time…

I just have to follow up on my post from yesterday.  I found the courage to talk to my husband last night.  I realize I head into these conversations with him, thinking that it’s not really about me.  Sure, I might have a few things I need to take responsibility for and need to change but for the most part it’s him who has to change.  Oh, how silly of me.  I’m seeing how I still tend to minimize the emotional wounds of abuse.  Last night, the conversation revealed how I have still been responding from one of those wounds - performance based love.

When I first began dealing with the wounds of abuse I was able to see pretty quickly how I find my self worth and value in what I did, not in who I am.  That’s why I’ve needed so much validation.  When I don’t receive validation, in my world, that’s interpreted as I’m not doing a good job therefore I am not very smart because if I were smart I could figure out how to do a good job and people would have to take notice and then they would naturally tell me that they notice. This way of thinking is exhausting and it certainly doesn’t lead to true joy and happiness.

I’ve been thinking on a verse in the Bible; Isaiah 49:15 & 16; “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands…”.  There are two things about this verse I want to highlight.  First, the answer to the question is “yes”; a mother can forget the baby.  We don’t see the word “yes” but it is certainly inferred by the next phrase “though she may forget”.  God knows people are going to fail us.  That’s why it is so important for me not to look to other people to validate my self worth and value.  The second thing is the word “engrave” in the original Hebrew means “to cut in or on”.  When I stop and think that God has cut me into his hands it’s a little difficult to wrap my brain around.  He thinks I’m worth cutting into His hands…WOW!  This is not the first time I’ve read this or heard this concept but I’m certainly hearing it differently today. He needs to be the focus of my value and self worth.  It is simply because He made me and everything/everyone He makes is valuable!

I just have to share one more thing.  The major break through came when my husband and I were sitting on the couch.  He was sitting on one end and I was sitting on the other.  He read what I had written about how I was feeling and kept reminding me of how none of that is truth.  He feels exactly the opposite of what I had written; he has not lost interest in me and he does not feel like I am too much.  I was having a hard time believing him.  See, if his actions in any way did not say to me that he is interested then I couldn’t believe what he was saying.  I was basing truth solely on his performance.  The problem with that is that I can misinterpret his actions.  Sure, he usually comes home and gives me a hug and a kiss but if there is a day when he doesn’t do that, I immediately think it’s because of something I did.  It doesn’t usually enter my mind that it could very well be because he has had a stressful day and just needs some time to unwind.  Anyway, getting back to the conversation on the couch; I was feeling so unworthy of his understanding and love that I actually moved further away from him.  There wasn’t much space to begin with between me and the arm of the couch but I managed to find it and occupy it.  He noticed.  He said to me,  “You don’t believe me do you?”  “You don’t believe that I feel the opposite of what you’ve written?”  “I can tell because you just moved further away from me”.  I couldn’t believe he noticed.  I barely noticed but when he said it, it hit me with so much force and I began to weep.  He said to me, “You need to fight through this.  You need to fight for yourself.  I’m right here, come and get what you need.”  I wept even more.  He was absolutely correct.  I had a really hard time moving toward him but it was exactly what I needed to do.  I needed to push through the lies I was believing.  I was finally able to move next to him and rest my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.  I actually felt a little silly at first, even a little uncomfortable.  I was thinking it’s silly for me to need this but the longer I stayed there the better it felt.  I felt myself relax and receive the love my husband was offering me not because of anything I was doing but just because.

The root of the wound caused by being loved as a child based on my performance has been exposed even more.  It’s been difficult but I’m so glad that God continues to expose these wounds and He certainly is faithful to bring healing and restoration!

It’s been a while since I’ve written and I have to say it’s because I’ve not been liking how I’ve been feeling emotionally so I’m afraid what might come out if I write.  Silly, I know.  I act as if my emotions control me.  Sometimes, it definitely feels that way.  Feeling as much as I do is still new to me and can overwhelm me, almost bury me.  I’ve been reading different scriptures which certainly helps but I have to say, to some degree, I’ve been hiding.  I haven’t really shared with anyone how I’m feeling.  That’s not good for me.  That leads me down a dark path…a path of self condemnation and depression.

I’ve decided I’m going to attempt to talk with my husband tonight.  I’m very nervous.  I’ve written out some things to try and label how I’m feeling and I don’t think he’s going to like what I’ve written.  So much of it, to me anyway, seems so selfish.  I keep asking myself why it seems I can’t focus on the positive.  I’m not sure that is really the issue but I’m open to explore it.  It’s so hard for me to understand guys and how they operate in relationships.  It seems to me they operate so very different from us women yet somehow it’s suppose to work?  I don’t know that I really understand it.

I just know that I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  I don’t feel happy or joyful and I feel like I’m wasting time.  Well, there’s definitely one thing this post has helped me with…motivation to take action.  Do whatever I need to do to bring back the joy.  I know, with God’s help, I can do it!